Nobody Ever Told You...

Take off all the makeup, girl
Shine your light, show the world
Don’t be shy, don’t be scared
You don’t have to hide under there
Throw away all the magazines
Turn off the static on the TV
Wish you could see yourself the way I do

- Carrie Underwood

At the beginning of this year, I decided I was going to give up wearing makeup, with the exception of a few special occasions. I remember a time when I wouldn't walk out the door without makeup. For a long time, I was convinced that I needed makeup to look attractive. I don't know if that was a defense mechanism to keep people from noticing my body or if it was a way to make myself feel better. I remember I had been in two particular relationships that took a toll on my confidence. They both had a way of making it seem like I needed the makeup to be even be seen in public. I remember one of them would refuse to take me out if I didn't doll up for the night. The other had given me guilt trips for days I would wear makeup for reasons rather than a date, i.e. wedding, friend's birthday, interview, presentation, etc. Toxic relationships have a way of breaking a person down so much it takes months to years to lift your spirits again.  After I got out of the hospital it was noticeable that the medicine and dehydration had really changed my appearance. My face looked dull, I was breaking out, I had dark circles around my eyes, and my confidence equally faded away. For months after I was discharged I avoided mirrors. It was the first time in a long time I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. 

I've always loved makeup and for a short while I really wanted to become a makeup artist. I had spent nights practicing and learning everything I knew about makeup. I had figured out the perfect skin regimens and the best way to wear makeup so that it looked completely flawless. I have a soft spot for a few of my exes that constantly reminded me that I didn't need makeup and made me feel good about the few flaws I used to fixate on. Those were the relationships that uplifted my confidence to a new realm. 

On New Year's Eve, I had spent the day working, afternoon cooking, and at night when it was time to change I looked in the mirror and vetoed wearing makeup. I wanted to bring 2013 in with a fresh look. My confidence, for the first time in a while, had revamped itself and I was smiling again. I can count the times I've worn makeup on my two hands and it's already May. I've noticed that the dark circles under my eyes have disappeared for the most part, my complexion is even, the dark spots on my face are gone with the exception of a few sun spots. I was reading about a girl who gave up all beauty product for 30 days, including shampoo, conditioner, face wash, and lotion. I'm afraid I'm not as bold to give up all products but the new challenge will be to give up heating and styling products. Once the weather becomes consistent, it would be interesting to see what my hair can withhold. 

I challenged a few of my friends to give up makeup; they either gave me a blank stare or tried to convince me that eyeliner was all they did and that's not really wearing makeup. Eyeliner is still makeup and everyday wear does affect the area under eyes causing dark circles, dry skin, and uneven complexion. Take the challenge and stop wearing makeup. I promise you will notice a drastic difference. You have to understand your face will be going through a detox, therefore the first couple of weeks you will breakout and your complexion will be lackluster. Remember to keep hydrated, stay active, and take your vitamins. Water will maintain fluid balance, staying active will help you sweat out major impurities and bring dirt and oil to the surface, and taking the proper vitamins will help maintain healthy skin, hair, and nails. I read this article: http://www.herballuxuries.com/beauty-vitamins-and-nutrients.html The article explains what each vitamin does for you skin, as well as your overall health. When you start wearing makeup again, be aware your face will be sensitive so having a good skin regimen will be crucial to keeping your complexion even. Go ahead, I dare you. 

It will be all better....

Today bought really devastating news in Boston about a terrible terrorist bombing at the Boston Marathon. The month of April has so many tragedies attached to it (Waco, Oklahoma City, Columbine, Virginia Tech) , it's hard to the seek any brilliance in any of these crises. I take moment to think about the children from all these tragedies, and my heart begins to ache. Years ago, before I became the tech geek you know and love, I wanted to be a middle school math teacher. As I got to the end of my college career, I had a change of heart and I realized if I didn't have the passion to be a teacher anymore, I should never put a child through my own angst. Children are so precious and I just recently remembered a book we talked about in one of my education classes called The All Better Book. This class was about children with special needs, and I had moments that really gave me the drive to be a teacher. It was this same passion that was lost in translation when I realized today's generation is beyond me and my control. I want to say it takes a bigger person to detour from a path because in the long run you didn't want to ruin someone else's life, but perhaps in reality it was just a cowardly move.   

"The All Better Book" takes about 10 minutes to read, but provokes thought for years thereafter. The book asks school age children how they would solve some of the world's most pressing problems. The answers and insights are humorous. The simple way children view adult problems reminds us that sometimes the most basic answer is also the best one. 

There is a hole in the ozone, the layer of gas that protects the Earth. How would you repair a hole like that?
- Get some dirt and seeds and plant flowers over the hole to make it look pretty for the aliens.
- Take a sample of the gas and have scientists make some more and put it back up there.

A lot of countries are getting rid of their weapons. But some of the weapons, like tanks, were built so that nothing could destroy them. What should the leaders do with indestructible tanks?
- They put them together, didn’t they? They must have the instructions somewhere. Just get the instructions out and do it backwards.

As the president of the United States, what would you do personally for all the people without homes?
- I’d … let him or her live with me.
- I would build another Entire State Building just for people without homes.

How about all of the animals without homes?
- I will take them all home to my house.
- Give cats food, a little bath, and no junk food. Let them lick you in the face….

Can you think of a cure for prejudice?
- Make them wear plaid jackets, plaid shirts, plaid pants and plaid sneakers that say, “Don’t be prejudiced.”
- Everyone should invite someone who is different to their house once a week.

How do you fix someone’s broken heart?
- Sing a song. Stomp your feet. Read a book.

What kind of improvements does our education system really need?
- I wish you could learn about math faster.
- Make all the floors have thick rugs.
- I would put chocolate milk in the water fountain.

Is there any way to keep kids from joining gangs?
- Let them help the police.
- Let kids start a radio station with school news.
- Build an underwater dome that kids could play in so they wouldn’t get bored.
- Have kids make a company that helps people in the neighborhood.

Do you have any advice for people trying to stay young?
- My aunt uses Mary Kay.
- Keep your imagination or try to lose weight.
- Get frozen.

What can men and women do to get along better?
- My mom should try ice hockey.
- Girls like to stay clean and healthy and brush their teeth, and boys don’t care.
- They should just understand that women are more mature than men.

People always say “Life’s not fair.” What’s not fair about it?
- It’s not fair that my brother has a bunk bed.
- No one should be born with asthma.
- It’s not fair that friends are hard to keep and that they fade away.

When people break the law, we put them in jail. What would you do?
- Make them do gymnastics for a month.
- Make them go to the principal’s office and get in very deep trouble.

The government is sort of broke. How can it raise money?
- The president should get a job.
- The president could sell icies or play Bingo.
- Have them: 1. Try a lemonade stand. 2. Write a book. 3. Work at McDonald’s 4. Be a teacher.

Grown-ups need to have more fun. What do you suggest?
- Run through the sprinkler.
- Have more boyfriends.
- We should read to them and play with them more.

"The simple things are also the most extraordinary things, and only the wise can see them." - Paulo Coelho

Without you...

My heart still can't imagine that she is gone. The little reminders that surround me have become overwhelming. Rebecca has been gone for four years and I find this year the most unbearable. 

"Geoffrey Chaucer wrote: 'Time heals all wounds,' but what he failed to mention was the scar those wounds leave behind. The painful things that happened to us permanently leave their mark. They don’t necessarily hurt anymore but they are always there as a reminder. As a memory. And as time passes maybe the memory gets a little fussy. But we always have the scar to remind us it happened. That we lived through it. That we survived." *Carrie Diaries*

I have small reminders that keep me in a very melancholy mood. Driving to see my new baby niece, I see a white Mercury Cougar, the tears just fell and turned into a major meltdown. The fire at Oxford on my birthday in 2004 crossed my mind, Rebecca's floor was affected and she had to move. The thoughts of Day of Silence cross my mind and I cry every time I wear my shirt. Hanging in my room, is my Omega Delta jersey with her name stitched in the bottom corner. I remember late night study nights and staying outside with her while she would smoke her cloves. 

I've had some moments lately that I wish I just had my big sister to talk me through. She always seem to make things better when I was at my lowest. Death is like the bad breakup with no closure. The mystery behind her death still leaves a void that I still haven't been able to articulate. Usually in a breakup, you can eventually get your answers as time goes on or letting go becomes easier. With death, the answers stay unanswered and letting go isn't as easy. In breakups, you have a moment you can finally apologize and find some redemption. In death, you almost fear your apologies are getting lost in the wind and the feelings consume you. 

This year may have been the first time I broke down and couldn't hold in my tears. I told a friend and he told me that, "ignorance can be bliss, not knowing will help you hold on to the memories that help you think of her in high esteem." The pain just doesn't seem to suppress. Losing someone you care so much about will never be easy. Over the years, I've lost a few people in my life but Rebecca leaves a hollow space in my heart that I will never be able to explain. The memories pop up more so in April than any other time of the year. The smile she was able to bring on my face is not something I can compare. I'm left with memories of cloves and a perfume that leaves me intoxicated. I miss Becca, my sweet big sister. 

What if the last hug you gave me was the last one ever, would you have held on a little longer? What if it's just as easy as scrolling to my name, would you call me one last time? What if all you wanted to do was tell me you love me, would you? I would do all those things right now if I could just have Becca here one more time. I'll never have this chance, but you have a choice to change those moments that could be your very last. 

The art of timing....

"Being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny, and a time to pick up the pieces when it’s all over."

I've been trying to master the art of timing for quite some time now. I have the hardest time letting go. To me, letting go means giving up. A friend is in your life for a reason, at least that's what I've always wanted to believe. The worse feeling that can consume you is that you've lost a friend. Friends have come and gone but the feeling never gets easier. You would think after a while you can numb yourself to that pain but the only thing you can do is wait. Time can be the best and worst thing: you have to wait but it's always something you can count on being there. In due time, all things can be mended, so I'm often told.

I had to look up some Paulo Coelho quotes to make me think about the art of timing. A lot of them usually geared towards the importance of waiting, however, none of them really giving you much hope on how to pacify the anxiety that is sure to come with mastering the art of timing.

Here are a few quotes on waiting and timing from the book Eleven Minutes:

“Life always waits for some crisis to occur before revealing itself at its most brilliant.”

In the midst of the crisis, it can be so hard to find any brilliance. You're so consumed in agony, defeat, disappointment, or anxiety. Seeing a bright side to any crisis when it provokes so much chaos. It can send you on an emotional rollercoaster and leaves you feeling utterly helpless.

“I’ve learned that waiting is the most difficult bit, and I want to get used to the feeling, knowing that you’re with me, even when you’re not by my side.” 

This quote can reflect on the friendship quote I started the post with. Sometimes it has nothing to do with you. In the book Eleven Minutes, Maria was referring to a love, but the same holds true for a friendship. We can all agree that friendship is a different type of love. While you maybe the one in pain, your friend or love needs the distance and time to reflect on their own. You simply have to wait and seek your own comfort that things will work out for the best. I think the problem with this type of waiting is being in your own thoughts and to have no one to share that with anymore. Paulo Coelho states, "...knowing that you're with me, even when you're not by my side." As I reflect on that part alone, I have to believe that every single friend and love leaves enough of an impact that they are forever with you, just not physically. If someone seeks happiness in your absence, sometimes that can be a jagged little pill but a true friend will sacrifice that much to allow them to be happy.

I found a few more quotes from the book By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept.

“Yes, my mind was wandering. I wished I were there with someone who could bring peace to my heart someone with whom I could spend a little time without being afraid that I would lose him the next day. With that reassurance, the time would pass more slowly. We could be silent for a while because we'd know we had the rest of our lives together for conversation. I wouldn't have to worry about serious matters, about difficult decisions and hard words.”

This quote reminds me of times that I would spend with some of my favorite people and it could have been a a whole weekend but it's just not enough time. In the book, Pilar spends time with an old friend from school and she feels in this moment she want nothing more than to spend all her time with him. We all have those moments we can just wish to capture in a time capsule to put on replay.

“Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.” 

I've been saying from the beginning that waiting is painful. I've got to the point where I realized my elephant memory will just simply not let me forget anything. We can't just build all those memories to let them burn down. Memories can choose to fade in the background but we all have our own triggers for certain things good or bad.

I'll end this post with one last quote on time from The Alchemist without my input . It is a quote I've read multiple times only to find myself in tears knowing that if this is what real love is, the beauty of it all is worth the wait.

"At that moment, it seemed to him that time stood still, and the Soul of the World surged within him. When he looked into her dark eyes, and saw that her lips were poised between a laugh and silence, he learned the most important part of the language that all the world spoke – the language that everyone on earth was capable of understanding in their heart. It was love. Something older than humanity, more ancient than the desert. Something that exerted the same force whenever two pairs of eyes met, as had theirs here at the well. She smiled, and that was certainly an omen – the omen he had been awaiting, without even knowing he was, for all his life. The omen he had sought to find with his sheep and in his books, in the crystals and in the silence of the desert. It was the pure Language of the World. It required no explanation, just as the universe needs none as it travels through endless time. What the boy felt at that moment was that he was in the presence of the only woman in his life, and that, with no need for words, she recognized the same thing. He was more certain of it than of anything in the world. He had been told by his parents and grandparents that he must fall in love and really know a person before becoming committed. But maybe people who felt that way had never learned the universal language. Because, when you know that language, it's easy to understand that someone in the world awaits you, whether it's in the middle of the desert or in some great city. And when two such people encounter each other, and their eyes meet, the past and the future become unimportant. There is only that moment, and the incredible certainty that everything under the sun has been written by one hand only. It is the hand that evokes love, and creates a twin soul for every person in the world. Without such love, one's dreams would have no meaning.”

 

Veronika Decides to Die

"It's true in her life she had seen many things through to their ultimate consequences, but only unimportant things, like prolonging a quarrel that could easily have been resolved with an apology, or not phoning a man she was in love with simply because she thought the relationship would lead nowhere. She was intransigent about the easy things, as if trying to prove to herself how strong and indifferent she was, when in fact she was just a fragile woman who had never been an outstanding student, never excelled at school sports, and had never succeeded in keeping the peach at home. She had overcome her minor defect only to be defeated by matters of fundamental importance. She had managed to appear utterly independent when she was, in fact, desperately in need of company. When she entered a room everyone would turn to look at her, but she almost always ended the night alone watching a TV that she hadn't even bothered to have properly tuned. She gave all her friends the impression that she was a woman to be envied, and she expended most of her energy in trying to behave in accordance with the image she had created herself. Because of that she had never had enough energy to be herself, a person who, like everyone else in the world, needed other people in order to be happy. She might have impressed a lot of people with her strength and determination but where had it left her? In a void, utterly alone." -Paulo Coelho: Veronika Decides to Die 

I was reading Paulo Coelho's blog and he posted about one of my favorite books Veronika Decides to Die. In the post, he gave a YouTube link for the movie portrayal of the book starring Sarah Michelle Gellar. I had read the book for the second time after I got out of the hospital. This time I spent time highlighting my favorite quotes and dissecting them further. In so many different parts of the book, I felt choked up as she went through her time in the asylum and the thoughts she went through. As I watch the movie, it's nice to see some of it come alive and more visual. It's not a complete blockbuster but the essence is there. When I first read the quote above I had to read it a few times to feel her passion. My heart was in my throat after I read the quote a few times only to realize Veronika embodies any girl with an insecurity or who has gone through a moment of doubt. It's easy to put our whole life into one quote to explain it all but sometimes you just have to live your life and start making memories to quote your own wisdom. 

"Some people go their whole lives searching for one moment like the one you had and never achieved it..." 

Tears are words that need to be written...

“None of us knows what might happen even the next minute, yet still we go forward. Because we trust. Because we have Faith.” Paulo Coelho

In the last month I've cried many tears and many of my family and friends have shed some too. My heart breaks knowing the pain and concern I have caused everyone. I'm ready to tell my story after spending two weeks in the hospital, and still working on my road to recovery at home.

It all started end of May  when I had went to the doctor for what seemed to be a kidney infection. I was given antibiotics but my body completely rejected them because I had some bacteria in my blood. I spent many days sick not even being able to go to work. June 8th, I decided to muzzle up enough energy to go to work but I should have listened to my body a little closer. As 5:30 came around I was ready to leave and struggling with a headache all the way home. Tears ran down my face from the pain and all I wanted was to be in a dark chilled room. I tried the normal remedies for headaches but nothing worked. Tears slowly poured throughout the night in hopes the pain would lift but there was no sign of relief. The pain continued for the rest of the weekend and I made another doctor appointment for Monday. After some time and agony the doctor could no long assist me and called me an ambulance to be admitted into the hospital. All I could think about was the pain and how tired I was from being dehydrated and not being able to hold anything down from the original infection. 

Entering the emergency room at Gwinnett Medical Center they started drawing blood and rolled me to have an ultrasound, CT scans, and MRIs. The news was not something I was prepared to hear. The doctor told me that I had an abscess on my kidney and it's probably where the infection originated from. Later in the evening, a neurologist came into the room to give me the news I was not prepared to hear. He told me that the MRI showed 2cm of bleeding on my right frontal lobe and swelling under the skull. At the age of 27, I had a brain hemorrhage and there wasn't any explanation for it. My heart dropped and I cried with my mother by my side. As I make calls to my brother and father, my heart breaks hearing their reaction. I've only seen my father cry twice in my life and to know I was causing him to breakdown broke my heart. My brother decided to take the first flight down to Atlanta to see me. He took care of me during the day while I was in the hospital and I realize more than ever how lucky I am to have the brother I have. He helped me eat, drink, held my hand every time they came to draw blood, and when the potassium IV was burning my arm he would try to calm me down. My body was going through so much and I spent most of my time in ICU at Gwinnett Medical Center. Everyday I was just waiting for news about improvement but because I had lost so much from being dehydrated and not eating, my body was playing catch up. 

I had many visits from close friends and family that continues to overwhelm my heart with gratitude. So  many friends were ready to give me a lecture on how much I scared everyone. I don't want any of my friends and family to ever go through this much pain ever again so I vow to take the best care of myself I possibly can. I am so happy that I'm much better. I still have some headaches because the bleeding in my brain still needs to absorb which can take a couple more months. I'm just happy to be back on my feet, have my energy back, and eating normal again. I will be returning back to work July 9th and I cannot wait to be productive again. I don't think I would have made it through all this without the support of my family and friends. My parents and brother have been my rocks through this all and I have so much to be grateful for. With all this said, I would like to thank everyone for their prayers and well wishes through this journey.

If anyone has questions please message me personally. I have left out a few details because I'm still having trouble articulating what has happened. I'm just very thankful to be alive. 

Writer's Block!

It's been so long since I posted. In that time Courtney and Aarti got married. Both weddings were gorgeous and I had a wonderful time. Scroll down to see Aarti's video collage.

I have somewhat a writer's block right now. Writer's block means only one thing, I have much more on my mind then usual. For every union, I have seen a break up in the last month. Somehow, I seem to be the voice of reason or the advice guru in these situations. I'm always willing to lend an ear, shoulder to cry on, and pull out some Coelho quote to digress from the usual cliche. However, what makes someone think I'm so stable to take advice from me? I've been single for almost a year and after coming back from England it's been more acknowledged that single is a good look on me. I do miss companionship but I'm not going to sell myself short just to have it. I told my friend Vani, I forgot what it meant to have a simple kiss, it's been so long. Just because I'm content and have a smile on my face does not mean I have any earthly clue what I'm talking about. My knowledge comes from experience and some personal moments of self-awareness. At the beginning of this year, I wrote a post called R.I.P. to the girl you used to see and I wrote:

Lesson 5 -- never seek advice from those who don't have their act together. I refer to my favorite author, Paulo Coelho, "(Don’t) listen to the malicious comments of those friends who, never taking any risks themselves, can only see other people’s failures."

I still stand by what I say. Kanye said it best, "How could a goddess ask, someone that's only average?" With matters of the heart, advice should always be taken with a grain of salt.

While I was in England my aunt told me that she proposed to Uncle Jers. He just looked at me and said "you Patel women have balls *insert silence for timing* and temper". I laughed for a moment but it occurred to me that same blood runs through my veins and I'm no different. While it might not be the Patel blood that runs through my veins, the bloodline he was referring to was my dada, Soma Kanji himself. He made us a strong bunch, he was a man with a stern tongue and an equally compassionate heart. Having those two qualities has kept the Soma Kanji Patel women bold with fire in their heart. That boldness and fire exudes confidence and also has instilled independence. Referencing the post previously mentioned, I live by lesson one: never be afraid to open up to someone. There is only a handful of people I have sat in awkward silence rather then expressed my thoughts, but decorum is important in some cases.

For the last three years, I've been reading the book "The Art of Seduction".  Before you write me off as a slow reader, understand the book is written much like a textbook. It starts out giving you the definitions of the ten different types of seducers and from the definitions you have to decipher which one applies to you. Then the book goes on to talk about the different victims of the seducers. The part that gets me is the "victim" part. Such a derogatory word to explain how someone can captivate another by a mere glance. Finally, the last part of the book is the seductive process which is twenty-four different steps to follow broken up in four different phases. So why has it taken me three plus years to read this book (still an ongoing process)? Simply put, I get disgusted by the tactics it throws at me. If you can explain a woman and the way she is in ten definitions then you've already lost half the battle. I thought about all my friends and neither of us are the same. We have some similar interests and maybe some qualities but we all have something that cannot be defined. I'm not trying to be a realist but seriously build a bridge and get over it. There is no art of seduction, you aren't going to wake up one morning and become a coquette because a book told you how to be . Furthermore, you're not going to figure out a guy over a 250+ page book because you put some generic stereotypes on him. If it was that easy, life would have came with a manual. I'll be the first to acknowledge the fact that I read my horoscope and refer to situations as "the Aries in me", however it's not going determine how I live my life. I read Zodiac Facts on Twitter and have the occasional chuckle when I think to myself, "yup, that's totally me" and retweet my confirmation. Sometimes I still think it's all crazy. I'm not going to deny a person because he's a Capricorn. How is that even a valid reason? There is no self-help book, 12-step program, or astrology chart that is going to confirm whether you should be with someone or not. The lesson in this would be to just trust your instinct.

I really do believe in the whole take the time to be single. It's ok to date just to date. You don't need validation from anyone and just know that all the rules go out of the window. There is no such thing as three day rules. There is no need to play the waiting game of who is going to text who first. If a guy refers to you as crazy or aggressive over something so silly as a "Hey, how are you?" text leave it to the fact you had a date and that was that. Not every date has to conclude in some long winded relationship that stretches out for a year only to come to realization that the two of you were never compatible and everything was based on that first date. Courtney says it all the time, "I married my best friend". More than ever, I'm going to heed her advice and know that my next relationship needs to have a foundation that I've never really established in the past, a friendship.

So what makes me so great at giving advice? My book is written by the success stories I'm surrounded by daily. I see the ins and outs of them and I grow to appreciate their situations knowing mine should only be comparable. I was telling Kamilah today that my expectations aren't high they just need to be equivalent to what I already have. So my number one rule still stands -- NEVER DOWNGRADE!