Nobody Ever Told You...

Take off all the makeup, girl
Shine your light, show the world
Don’t be shy, don’t be scared
You don’t have to hide under there
Throw away all the magazines
Turn off the static on the TV
Wish you could see yourself the way I do

- Carrie Underwood

At the beginning of this year, I decided I was going to give up wearing makeup, with the exception of a few special occasions. I remember a time when I wouldn't walk out the door without makeup. For a long time, I was convinced that I needed makeup to look attractive. I don't know if that was a defense mechanism to keep people from noticing my body or if it was a way to make myself feel better. I remember I had been in two particular relationships that took a toll on my confidence. They both had a way of making it seem like I needed the makeup to be even be seen in public. I remember one of them would refuse to take me out if I didn't doll up for the night. The other had given me guilt trips for days I would wear makeup for reasons rather than a date, i.e. wedding, friend's birthday, interview, presentation, etc. Toxic relationships have a way of breaking a person down so much it takes months to years to lift your spirits again.  After I got out of the hospital it was noticeable that the medicine and dehydration had really changed my appearance. My face looked dull, I was breaking out, I had dark circles around my eyes, and my confidence equally faded away. For months after I was discharged I avoided mirrors. It was the first time in a long time I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. 

I've always loved makeup and for a short while I really wanted to become a makeup artist. I had spent nights practicing and learning everything I knew about makeup. I had figured out the perfect skin regimens and the best way to wear makeup so that it looked completely flawless. I have a soft spot for a few of my exes that constantly reminded me that I didn't need makeup and made me feel good about the few flaws I used to fixate on. Those were the relationships that uplifted my confidence to a new realm. 

On New Year's Eve, I had spent the day working, afternoon cooking, and at night when it was time to change I looked in the mirror and vetoed wearing makeup. I wanted to bring 2013 in with a fresh look. My confidence, for the first time in a while, had revamped itself and I was smiling again. I can count the times I've worn makeup on my two hands and it's already May. I've noticed that the dark circles under my eyes have disappeared for the most part, my complexion is even, the dark spots on my face are gone with the exception of a few sun spots. I was reading about a girl who gave up all beauty product for 30 days, including shampoo, conditioner, face wash, and lotion. I'm afraid I'm not as bold to give up all products but the new challenge will be to give up heating and styling products. Once the weather becomes consistent, it would be interesting to see what my hair can withhold. 

I challenged a few of my friends to give up makeup; they either gave me a blank stare or tried to convince me that eyeliner was all they did and that's not really wearing makeup. Eyeliner is still makeup and everyday wear does affect the area under eyes causing dark circles, dry skin, and uneven complexion. Take the challenge and stop wearing makeup. I promise you will notice a drastic difference. You have to understand your face will be going through a detox, therefore the first couple of weeks you will breakout and your complexion will be lackluster. Remember to keep hydrated, stay active, and take your vitamins. Water will maintain fluid balance, staying active will help you sweat out major impurities and bring dirt and oil to the surface, and taking the proper vitamins will help maintain healthy skin, hair, and nails. I read this article: http://www.herballuxuries.com/beauty-vitamins-and-nutrients.html The article explains what each vitamin does for you skin, as well as your overall health. When you start wearing makeup again, be aware your face will be sensitive so having a good skin regimen will be crucial to keeping your complexion even. Go ahead, I dare you. 

It will be all better....

Today bought really devastating news in Boston about a terrible terrorist bombing at the Boston Marathon. The month of April has so many tragedies attached to it (Waco, Oklahoma City, Columbine, Virginia Tech) , it's hard to the seek any brilliance in any of these crises. I take moment to think about the children from all these tragedies, and my heart begins to ache. Years ago, before I became the tech geek you know and love, I wanted to be a middle school math teacher. As I got to the end of my college career, I had a change of heart and I realized if I didn't have the passion to be a teacher anymore, I should never put a child through my own angst. Children are so precious and I just recently remembered a book we talked about in one of my education classes called The All Better Book. This class was about children with special needs, and I had moments that really gave me the drive to be a teacher. It was this same passion that was lost in translation when I realized today's generation is beyond me and my control. I want to say it takes a bigger person to detour from a path because in the long run you didn't want to ruin someone else's life, but perhaps in reality it was just a cowardly move.   

"The All Better Book" takes about 10 minutes to read, but provokes thought for years thereafter. The book asks school age children how they would solve some of the world's most pressing problems. The answers and insights are humorous. The simple way children view adult problems reminds us that sometimes the most basic answer is also the best one. 

There is a hole in the ozone, the layer of gas that protects the Earth. How would you repair a hole like that?
- Get some dirt and seeds and plant flowers over the hole to make it look pretty for the aliens.
- Take a sample of the gas and have scientists make some more and put it back up there.

A lot of countries are getting rid of their weapons. But some of the weapons, like tanks, were built so that nothing could destroy them. What should the leaders do with indestructible tanks?
- They put them together, didn’t they? They must have the instructions somewhere. Just get the instructions out and do it backwards.

As the president of the United States, what would you do personally for all the people without homes?
- I’d … let him or her live with me.
- I would build another Entire State Building just for people without homes.

How about all of the animals without homes?
- I will take them all home to my house.
- Give cats food, a little bath, and no junk food. Let them lick you in the face….

Can you think of a cure for prejudice?
- Make them wear plaid jackets, plaid shirts, plaid pants and plaid sneakers that say, “Don’t be prejudiced.”
- Everyone should invite someone who is different to their house once a week.

How do you fix someone’s broken heart?
- Sing a song. Stomp your feet. Read a book.

What kind of improvements does our education system really need?
- I wish you could learn about math faster.
- Make all the floors have thick rugs.
- I would put chocolate milk in the water fountain.

Is there any way to keep kids from joining gangs?
- Let them help the police.
- Let kids start a radio station with school news.
- Build an underwater dome that kids could play in so they wouldn’t get bored.
- Have kids make a company that helps people in the neighborhood.

Do you have any advice for people trying to stay young?
- My aunt uses Mary Kay.
- Keep your imagination or try to lose weight.
- Get frozen.

What can men and women do to get along better?
- My mom should try ice hockey.
- Girls like to stay clean and healthy and brush their teeth, and boys don’t care.
- They should just understand that women are more mature than men.

People always say “Life’s not fair.” What’s not fair about it?
- It’s not fair that my brother has a bunk bed.
- No one should be born with asthma.
- It’s not fair that friends are hard to keep and that they fade away.

When people break the law, we put them in jail. What would you do?
- Make them do gymnastics for a month.
- Make them go to the principal’s office and get in very deep trouble.

The government is sort of broke. How can it raise money?
- The president should get a job.
- The president could sell icies or play Bingo.
- Have them: 1. Try a lemonade stand. 2. Write a book. 3. Work at McDonald’s 4. Be a teacher.

Grown-ups need to have more fun. What do you suggest?
- Run through the sprinkler.
- Have more boyfriends.
- We should read to them and play with them more.

"The simple things are also the most extraordinary things, and only the wise can see them." - Paulo Coelho

Without you...

My heart still can't imagine that she is gone. The little reminders that surround me have become overwhelming. Rebecca has been gone for four years and I find this year the most unbearable. 

"Geoffrey Chaucer wrote: 'Time heals all wounds,' but what he failed to mention was the scar those wounds leave behind. The painful things that happened to us permanently leave their mark. They don’t necessarily hurt anymore but they are always there as a reminder. As a memory. And as time passes maybe the memory gets a little fussy. But we always have the scar to remind us it happened. That we lived through it. That we survived." *Carrie Diaries*

I have small reminders that keep me in a very melancholy mood. Driving to see my new baby niece, I see a white Mercury Cougar, the tears just fell and turned into a major meltdown. The fire at Oxford on my birthday in 2004 crossed my mind, Rebecca's floor was affected and she had to move. The thoughts of Day of Silence cross my mind and I cry every time I wear my shirt. Hanging in my room, is my Omega Delta jersey with her name stitched in the bottom corner. I remember late night study nights and staying outside with her while she would smoke her cloves. 

I've had some moments lately that I wish I just had my big sister to talk me through. She always seem to make things better when I was at my lowest. Death is like the bad breakup with no closure. The mystery behind her death still leaves a void that I still haven't been able to articulate. Usually in a breakup, you can eventually get your answers as time goes on or letting go becomes easier. With death, the answers stay unanswered and letting go isn't as easy. In breakups, you have a moment you can finally apologize and find some redemption. In death, you almost fear your apologies are getting lost in the wind and the feelings consume you. 

This year may have been the first time I broke down and couldn't hold in my tears. I told a friend and he told me that, "ignorance can be bliss, not knowing will help you hold on to the memories that help you think of her in high esteem." The pain just doesn't seem to suppress. Losing someone you care so much about will never be easy. Over the years, I've lost a few people in my life but Rebecca leaves a hollow space in my heart that I will never be able to explain. The memories pop up more so in April than any other time of the year. The smile she was able to bring on my face is not something I can compare. I'm left with memories of cloves and a perfume that leaves me intoxicated. I miss Becca, my sweet big sister. 

What if the last hug you gave me was the last one ever, would you have held on a little longer? What if it's just as easy as scrolling to my name, would you call me one last time? What if all you wanted to do was tell me you love me, would you? I would do all those things right now if I could just have Becca here one more time. I'll never have this chance, but you have a choice to change those moments that could be your very last. 

The art of timing....

"Being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny, and a time to pick up the pieces when it’s all over."

I've been trying to master the art of timing for quite some time now. I have the hardest time letting go. To me, letting go means giving up. A friend is in your life for a reason, at least that's what I've always wanted to believe. The worse feeling that can consume you is that you've lost a friend. Friends have come and gone but the feeling never gets easier. You would think after a while you can numb yourself to that pain but the only thing you can do is wait. Time can be the best and worst thing: you have to wait but it's always something you can count on being there. In due time, all things can be mended, so I'm often told.

I had to look up some Paulo Coelho quotes to make me think about the art of timing. A lot of them usually geared towards the importance of waiting, however, none of them really giving you much hope on how to pacify the anxiety that is sure to come with mastering the art of timing.

Here are a few quotes on waiting and timing from the book Eleven Minutes:

“Life always waits for some crisis to occur before revealing itself at its most brilliant.”

In the midst of the crisis, it can be so hard to find any brilliance. You're so consumed in agony, defeat, disappointment, or anxiety. Seeing a bright side to any crisis when it provokes so much chaos. It can send you on an emotional rollercoaster and leaves you feeling utterly helpless.

“I’ve learned that waiting is the most difficult bit, and I want to get used to the feeling, knowing that you’re with me, even when you’re not by my side.” 

This quote can reflect on the friendship quote I started the post with. Sometimes it has nothing to do with you. In the book Eleven Minutes, Maria was referring to a love, but the same holds true for a friendship. We can all agree that friendship is a different type of love. While you maybe the one in pain, your friend or love needs the distance and time to reflect on their own. You simply have to wait and seek your own comfort that things will work out for the best. I think the problem with this type of waiting is being in your own thoughts and to have no one to share that with anymore. Paulo Coelho states, "...knowing that you're with me, even when you're not by my side." As I reflect on that part alone, I have to believe that every single friend and love leaves enough of an impact that they are forever with you, just not physically. If someone seeks happiness in your absence, sometimes that can be a jagged little pill but a true friend will sacrifice that much to allow them to be happy.

I found a few more quotes from the book By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept.

“Yes, my mind was wandering. I wished I were there with someone who could bring peace to my heart someone with whom I could spend a little time without being afraid that I would lose him the next day. With that reassurance, the time would pass more slowly. We could be silent for a while because we'd know we had the rest of our lives together for conversation. I wouldn't have to worry about serious matters, about difficult decisions and hard words.”

This quote reminds me of times that I would spend with some of my favorite people and it could have been a a whole weekend but it's just not enough time. In the book, Pilar spends time with an old friend from school and she feels in this moment she want nothing more than to spend all her time with him. We all have those moments we can just wish to capture in a time capsule to put on replay.

“Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.” 

I've been saying from the beginning that waiting is painful. I've got to the point where I realized my elephant memory will just simply not let me forget anything. We can't just build all those memories to let them burn down. Memories can choose to fade in the background but we all have our own triggers for certain things good or bad.

I'll end this post with one last quote on time from The Alchemist without my input . It is a quote I've read multiple times only to find myself in tears knowing that if this is what real love is, the beauty of it all is worth the wait.

"At that moment, it seemed to him that time stood still, and the Soul of the World surged within him. When he looked into her dark eyes, and saw that her lips were poised between a laugh and silence, he learned the most important part of the language that all the world spoke – the language that everyone on earth was capable of understanding in their heart. It was love. Something older than humanity, more ancient than the desert. Something that exerted the same force whenever two pairs of eyes met, as had theirs here at the well. She smiled, and that was certainly an omen – the omen he had been awaiting, without even knowing he was, for all his life. The omen he had sought to find with his sheep and in his books, in the crystals and in the silence of the desert. It was the pure Language of the World. It required no explanation, just as the universe needs none as it travels through endless time. What the boy felt at that moment was that he was in the presence of the only woman in his life, and that, with no need for words, she recognized the same thing. He was more certain of it than of anything in the world. He had been told by his parents and grandparents that he must fall in love and really know a person before becoming committed. But maybe people who felt that way had never learned the universal language. Because, when you know that language, it's easy to understand that someone in the world awaits you, whether it's in the middle of the desert or in some great city. And when two such people encounter each other, and their eyes meet, the past and the future become unimportant. There is only that moment, and the incredible certainty that everything under the sun has been written by one hand only. It is the hand that evokes love, and creates a twin soul for every person in the world. Without such love, one's dreams would have no meaning.”

 

Veronika Decides to Die

"It's true in her life she had seen many things through to their ultimate consequences, but only unimportant things, like prolonging a quarrel that could easily have been resolved with an apology, or not phoning a man she was in love with simply because she thought the relationship would lead nowhere. She was intransigent about the easy things, as if trying to prove to herself how strong and indifferent she was, when in fact she was just a fragile woman who had never been an outstanding student, never excelled at school sports, and had never succeeded in keeping the peach at home. She had overcome her minor defect only to be defeated by matters of fundamental importance. She had managed to appear utterly independent when she was, in fact, desperately in need of company. When she entered a room everyone would turn to look at her, but she almost always ended the night alone watching a TV that she hadn't even bothered to have properly tuned. She gave all her friends the impression that she was a woman to be envied, and she expended most of her energy in trying to behave in accordance with the image she had created herself. Because of that she had never had enough energy to be herself, a person who, like everyone else in the world, needed other people in order to be happy. She might have impressed a lot of people with her strength and determination but where had it left her? In a void, utterly alone." -Paulo Coelho: Veronika Decides to Die 

I was reading Paulo Coelho's blog and he posted about one of my favorite books Veronika Decides to Die. In the post, he gave a YouTube link for the movie portrayal of the book starring Sarah Michelle Gellar. I had read the book for the second time after I got out of the hospital. This time I spent time highlighting my favorite quotes and dissecting them further. In so many different parts of the book, I felt choked up as she went through her time in the asylum and the thoughts she went through. As I watch the movie, it's nice to see some of it come alive and more visual. It's not a complete blockbuster but the essence is there. When I first read the quote above I had to read it a few times to feel her passion. My heart was in my throat after I read the quote a few times only to realize Veronika embodies any girl with an insecurity or who has gone through a moment of doubt. It's easy to put our whole life into one quote to explain it all but sometimes you just have to live your life and start making memories to quote your own wisdom. 

"Some people go their whole lives searching for one moment like the one you had and never achieved it..." 

Tears are words that need to be written...

“None of us knows what might happen even the next minute, yet still we go forward. Because we trust. Because we have Faith.” Paulo Coelho

In the last month I've cried many tears and many of my family and friends have shed some too. My heart breaks knowing the pain and concern I have caused everyone. I'm ready to tell my story after spending two weeks in the hospital, and still working on my road to recovery at home.

It all started end of May  when I had went to the doctor for what seemed to be a kidney infection. I was given antibiotics but my body completely rejected them because I had some bacteria in my blood. I spent many days sick not even being able to go to work. June 8th, I decided to muzzle up enough energy to go to work but I should have listened to my body a little closer. As 5:30 came around I was ready to leave and struggling with a headache all the way home. Tears ran down my face from the pain and all I wanted was to be in a dark chilled room. I tried the normal remedies for headaches but nothing worked. Tears slowly poured throughout the night in hopes the pain would lift but there was no sign of relief. The pain continued for the rest of the weekend and I made another doctor appointment for Monday. After some time and agony the doctor could no long assist me and called me an ambulance to be admitted into the hospital. All I could think about was the pain and how tired I was from being dehydrated and not being able to hold anything down from the original infection. 

Entering the emergency room at Gwinnett Medical Center they started drawing blood and rolled me to have an ultrasound, CT scans, and MRIs. The news was not something I was prepared to hear. The doctor told me that I had an abscess on my kidney and it's probably where the infection originated from. Later in the evening, a neurologist came into the room to give me the news I was not prepared to hear. He told me that the MRI showed 2cm of bleeding on my right frontal lobe and swelling under the skull. At the age of 27, I had a brain hemorrhage and there wasn't any explanation for it. My heart dropped and I cried with my mother by my side. As I make calls to my brother and father, my heart breaks hearing their reaction. I've only seen my father cry twice in my life and to know I was causing him to breakdown broke my heart. My brother decided to take the first flight down to Atlanta to see me. He took care of me during the day while I was in the hospital and I realize more than ever how lucky I am to have the brother I have. He helped me eat, drink, held my hand every time they came to draw blood, and when the potassium IV was burning my arm he would try to calm me down. My body was going through so much and I spent most of my time in ICU at Gwinnett Medical Center. Everyday I was just waiting for news about improvement but because I had lost so much from being dehydrated and not eating, my body was playing catch up. 

I had many visits from close friends and family that continues to overwhelm my heart with gratitude. So  many friends were ready to give me a lecture on how much I scared everyone. I don't want any of my friends and family to ever go through this much pain ever again so I vow to take the best care of myself I possibly can. I am so happy that I'm much better. I still have some headaches because the bleeding in my brain still needs to absorb which can take a couple more months. I'm just happy to be back on my feet, have my energy back, and eating normal again. I will be returning back to work July 9th and I cannot wait to be productive again. I don't think I would have made it through all this without the support of my family and friends. My parents and brother have been my rocks through this all and I have so much to be grateful for. With all this said, I would like to thank everyone for their prayers and well wishes through this journey.

If anyone has questions please message me personally. I have left out a few details because I'm still having trouble articulating what has happened. I'm just very thankful to be alive. 

Writer's Block!

It's been so long since I posted. In that time Courtney and Aarti got married. Both weddings were gorgeous and I had a wonderful time. Scroll down to see Aarti's video collage.

I have somewhat a writer's block right now. Writer's block means only one thing, I have much more on my mind then usual. For every union, I have seen a break up in the last month. Somehow, I seem to be the voice of reason or the advice guru in these situations. I'm always willing to lend an ear, shoulder to cry on, and pull out some Coelho quote to digress from the usual cliche. However, what makes someone think I'm so stable to take advice from me? I've been single for almost a year and after coming back from England it's been more acknowledged that single is a good look on me. I do miss companionship but I'm not going to sell myself short just to have it. I told my friend Vani, I forgot what it meant to have a simple kiss, it's been so long. Just because I'm content and have a smile on my face does not mean I have any earthly clue what I'm talking about. My knowledge comes from experience and some personal moments of self-awareness. At the beginning of this year, I wrote a post called R.I.P. to the girl you used to see and I wrote:

Lesson 5 -- never seek advice from those who don't have their act together. I refer to my favorite author, Paulo Coelho, "(Don’t) listen to the malicious comments of those friends who, never taking any risks themselves, can only see other people’s failures."

I still stand by what I say. Kanye said it best, "How could a goddess ask, someone that's only average?" With matters of the heart, advice should always be taken with a grain of salt.

While I was in England my aunt told me that she proposed to Uncle Jers. He just looked at me and said "you Patel women have balls *insert silence for timing* and temper". I laughed for a moment but it occurred to me that same blood runs through my veins and I'm no different. While it might not be the Patel blood that runs through my veins, the bloodline he was referring to was my dada, Soma Kanji himself. He made us a strong bunch, he was a man with a stern tongue and an equally compassionate heart. Having those two qualities has kept the Soma Kanji Patel women bold with fire in their heart. That boldness and fire exudes confidence and also has instilled independence. Referencing the post previously mentioned, I live by lesson one: never be afraid to open up to someone. There is only a handful of people I have sat in awkward silence rather then expressed my thoughts, but decorum is important in some cases.

For the last three years, I've been reading the book "The Art of Seduction".  Before you write me off as a slow reader, understand the book is written much like a textbook. It starts out giving you the definitions of the ten different types of seducers and from the definitions you have to decipher which one applies to you. Then the book goes on to talk about the different victims of the seducers. The part that gets me is the "victim" part. Such a derogatory word to explain how someone can captivate another by a mere glance. Finally, the last part of the book is the seductive process which is twenty-four different steps to follow broken up in four different phases. So why has it taken me three plus years to read this book (still an ongoing process)? Simply put, I get disgusted by the tactics it throws at me. If you can explain a woman and the way she is in ten definitions then you've already lost half the battle. I thought about all my friends and neither of us are the same. We have some similar interests and maybe some qualities but we all have something that cannot be defined. I'm not trying to be a realist but seriously build a bridge and get over it. There is no art of seduction, you aren't going to wake up one morning and become a coquette because a book told you how to be . Furthermore, you're not going to figure out a guy over a 250+ page book because you put some generic stereotypes on him. If it was that easy, life would have came with a manual. I'll be the first to acknowledge the fact that I read my horoscope and refer to situations as "the Aries in me", however it's not going determine how I live my life. I read Zodiac Facts on Twitter and have the occasional chuckle when I think to myself, "yup, that's totally me" and retweet my confirmation. Sometimes I still think it's all crazy. I'm not going to deny a person because he's a Capricorn. How is that even a valid reason? There is no self-help book, 12-step program, or astrology chart that is going to confirm whether you should be with someone or not. The lesson in this would be to just trust your instinct.

I really do believe in the whole take the time to be single. It's ok to date just to date. You don't need validation from anyone and just know that all the rules go out of the window. There is no such thing as three day rules. There is no need to play the waiting game of who is going to text who first. If a guy refers to you as crazy or aggressive over something so silly as a "Hey, how are you?" text leave it to the fact you had a date and that was that. Not every date has to conclude in some long winded relationship that stretches out for a year only to come to realization that the two of you were never compatible and everything was based on that first date. Courtney says it all the time, "I married my best friend". More than ever, I'm going to heed her advice and know that my next relationship needs to have a foundation that I've never really established in the past, a friendship.

So what makes me so great at giving advice? My book is written by the success stories I'm surrounded by daily. I see the ins and outs of them and I grow to appreciate their situations knowing mine should only be comparable. I was telling Kamilah today that my expectations aren't high they just need to be equivalent to what I already have. So my number one rule still stands -- NEVER DOWNGRADE!

The world can seem so vast....

...on this journey to the past. Let this road be mine, let it lead me to my past....to bring me home. (Aaliyah's Journey to the Past from the movie soundtrack Anastasia)

It’s been so long since I’ve posted. Since my last post I’ve been to New Orleans for Courtney’s bachelorette, became ill, and then jet set to England to visit my family.

As Courtney’s wedding begins to creep up on us, I find myself reminiscing more about New Orleans. The city is beautiful in its own little way. I found myself imagining the fact that Hurricane Katrina was no more than about six years ago. I was amazed how much had been rebuilt in such a short time. It was similar to the time I visited Hiroshima, I stood in awe and it brought tears to my eyes to think about how innocent civilians had to experience the devastation. The weekend was wonderful and I’m so glad I got to spend time with so many wonderful girls. The thought of that weekend just makes me more excited that the wedding is so close. This afternoon I wrote my speech/toast and I, of course, choked up just at the mere thought of how far my friendship with Courtney has come. Aside from that, if it wasn’t for Courtney, I wouldn’t have met so many wonderful people such as Mama McBee, Tara, Bobby, Kristen, Sonya, and Samantha. I could rave for hours about every single one of them, even Bobby…LOL. Like I’ve said before I’m so lucky to have a person like Courtney in my life. Needless to say, New Orleans will always be dear to my heart and will always make me think of my dear sister.

Moving on, shortly after New Orleans I became ill, again. I just became weak and fatigued. Come to find out, my anemia was acting up and physically wearing me out. After I was finally somewhat fit, I decided to go to England with my mom. My grandmother was going to have a knee replacement and my mom wanted to go take care of her. At first, she was only going to go by herself but after some convincing from my aunt, my decision was easier to make.

This trip to England was not like my previous visit, almost twelve years ago. This time I seemed to have left my heart at my grandmother’s house. The first thing I see when I get in the living room is a picture of my grandfather with a garland. He passed away ten years, just two days after my sixteenth birthday. My Dada spoiled me so much and he adored me. He used to tell me that if I would massage his head and walk on his back, he would buy me the thickest gold necklace money could buy. I blame him for my obsession with precious jewelry. I have so many memories in that house, so it is hard not to be nostalgic just walking through the doorway.  I was telling my grandmother about how she scarred me for life, when she used to corner me to give me medicine. I found irony in the fact, twenty-three years have passed and I was now the one forcing her to take her medicine. I enjoyed spending time with my aunts and uncles. The first two weeks, I spent in Slough with my Nayna Masi and Uncle Jers. I was excited to spend time with my new baby cousin Esme, who decided to finally make her appearance after eight years. Her mannerisms are very comparable to mine when I was younger. It was nice to sleep in late and get spoiled by my aunt and uncle. I can't remember the last time I genuinely didn't have to lift a finger to do anything. Of course, my aunt did that knowing the work that was in store for me when I returned to Manchester. 

It seemed like I was going non-stop when I returned to my grandmother's house in Ashton. My mom and I spent a lot of time cooking and catering to guest that would come to visit my grandmother. When I finally had some time to relax, I would walk around the town to visit my old neighbors and get a feel for my birthplace again. So much had changed, but it still felt like home. Almost everyone still lived in the same house they did back in 1989. I was spoiled by all my neighbors; they all cooked for me, bought me sweets, and showered me with presents. My mom's best friend and her husband took us under their wings and aided us in every way possible during our time there. There is something about the closeness in the neighborhood that is so endearing, I find myself missing that the most. A couple of days before I was going to leave my aunt from Dubai came to take over the caretaker duties. I hadn't seen my Daxa Masi since I left England when I was four. Along with my aunt, I met all five of my cousins for the first time and my Uncle Nasser. The kids are so well behaved and well-mannered. I grew attached to them in the short time I had to spend with them. I miss the girls the most. Ayesha is beautiful and bright and Amina is so sweet and the spitting image of her mother. The eldest of the five, Sofiyan, was the most impressive. He reminds me a lot of my uncle and brother. I've noticed babies seem to flock to the three of them and are easily pacified in their arms; they'll all make wonderful fathers one day. I was happy to spend time with my uncle this time. He's only six years my senior, so we do have somewhat of a connect, since the generation gap seems minuscule. I think it was different this time for the both of us. I was able to articulate my thoughts and feelings, which was reciprocated and discussed with a little bit more attention. I guess it's easier to take me seriously, since I'm 26 years old versus 14 years old.

I never realized how much I needed my extended family until this trip. There are days I can't vocalize how I feel and I wish I had someone there to help me organize my thoughts. Some things are too family oriented for me to share with even my closest friends. It's a holiday like this that makes me wish there wasn't 4000 miles between us. I remember, vaguely, I was very depressed when I moved to America back in 1989. Even thinking about it now I tear up. From the day I was born to when I was four, I never went more than 48 hours without seeing at least one of the seven members in my extended family (with exception of my holiday to India when I was one and a half). They took care of me, picked me up from nursery, fed me, played with me, basically spoiled me rotten. Thinking back to those times makes me question what it means to have a home. They say home is where the heart, and I'm not so sure it ever left England. I know my time there was limited but I had everything I needed in all of about a 5 mile radius. More importantly I had my family, whom I miss more then ever. I might need to borrow Dorthy's ruby pumps and click my heels. There's no place like home.

Let me upgrade ya....

I have one rule after a break up/parting....UPGRADE!

Not a single ending doesn't end with me saying, "you better upgrade". I do not, by any means, think that I'm the end all be all for any guy. Therefore, I think it's only appropriate for him to upgrade. I think he should prove me wrong, that he can do better. Maybe not in all aspects, but the two that rise to the top is personality and physically. Granted, someone being physically attractive is a matter of opinion, but it's not beyond me to think a girl is prettier than me. I have no shame in admitting it, and I think every girl is pretty in some way or another. How many of you have said, "how the did he go from 'her' to 'that girl'?". I find it actually an insult for someone I was with to go to someone less attractive. I digress, looks aren't everything.

However, if the new girl's personality is sub-par to mine I have an issue. Every guy I've talked to, I ask that infamous question, "what do you look for in a girl?". Most of the time, the response is an amazing personality. So I have to wonder when I see the next girl and her personality is not even close to what mine is. What even constitutes as an amazing personality?

I understand I have no right to even make such a request, being the ex. Even if she is the "transition girlfriend" aka rebound you should at least make sure she is an improvement in looks for the sake of your own dignity. No guy wants to be known as the guy that couldn't do any better than who he used to be with. I might hate it, but all I'm saying is make me jealous. Make me wish I had cared to put up a fight, furthermore, wish I was still with you. That's all I'm saying.

I was wondering maybe....

My MP3 player died, and since I can't really get any work done without music I had to resort to the few songs I have on my miniSD on my phone to hold me over. The song "Unthinkable" by Alicia Keys started playing. It has occurred to me, I forgot how it feels to have butterflies. How does it feel when it's meant to be? Do I deserve it? If you ask me, I'm definitely not ready. When I went to go see the musical, Mrs. Staples told me she read my blog and she told me it's ok that I'm not in a rush. A friend of mine recently told me I've never been one of those girls that's needed a man to get by, I agree. Usually I have it all figured out, but something seems off lately. I'm unusually distracted, most of it is the excitement of the bachelorette, but some of it is a somber overcast. It'll wash away with a good run and a good night's rest. I'll file this day away as just one of them days.

On a lighter note, I'm so excited about NOLA this weekend and the shirts made it more of a reality. They turned out amazing!

Who is having the best week ever?

First I have to say my heart cried this week. The Hindu, actually the spiritual, community lost a remarkable person. Rest in peace Satya Sai Baba. No one will ever forget your teachings and the impact you made.

So who is having the best week ever?

Kate Middleton? Staying true to my roots and claiming myself as a Lancashire Red Rose, I woke up at 5 a.m. to watch the Royal Wedding with a sense of real pride. It's already been said, she was gorgeous, fairy tale wedding, etc etc etc. I asked my mom about Princess Diana's wedding and she said that it was just as show stopper. She and dad had the day off from work in observance of the wedding. My brother was only a year old and I wasn't born yet. I'm sure it was just as beautiful.

President Obama? Yes, finally Osama Bin Laden has been killed. I will say Former President George W. Bush deserves a lot of the credit. I'm going to stop right there.

Lois? Lois was the first girl I met in Buford back in fourth grade. Why would she be having the best week ever? Oh no reason, she just got proposed to at the Gwinnett Braves game this past Saturday. I'm so happy for her. I'm so glad I was there to see it. I was sitting a few sections away from her, but when I looked over Ryan was on one knee proposing. It was so sweet, and the ring is gorgeous.

Me? I got see my favorite girls this past week. First, Whitney stopped in Atlanta on her drive home from Miami. Me, Whitney, Kamilah, Drinks, Vortex, Little 5 Points, Fogo de Chao, need I say more? Reckless, as usual. Then an unexpected surprise, due to a delay in New York, Lisa and Arti were stuck in Atlanta for the night and I got to see them for dinner. Saturday, I got to spend time with Katie Boles, my wonderful sister, and Mama McBee for the Gwinnett Braves game. Also, aside from the fact I'm probably going to be worthless this week, this time Friday I will be in New Orleans. I just got the artwork for the tanks that were ordered for Courtney's bachelorette. I have to say they look amazing and my new T-shirt place is Cotton Eyed Joe's. As if the idea of it being a bachelorette wasn't exciting enough, it also happens to be JazzFest. I'm so excited! Did I mention out of twelve ladies, I'm the only that will be single? Also, this is my first time ever in New Orleans. So with all that said clearly, I'm having the best week ever!

Break up to make up?

No, thank you. I was listening to my MP3 player on random song shuffle and Ashanti's "Break up 2 Make up" started playing. I kept reversing parts of the lyrics so I was understanding them.

A friend recently told me I leave doors open, or at least that's what it seems from the few weeks he's been getting to know me. He's right I do but I'm adamant about not revisiting a failed relationship. Parts of me hopes for a friendship, but I'm beginning to understand you can't be friends. I think I walk away from every relationship wanting to salvage a friendship, but I recently realized we were never friends to begin with. I know that sounds very harsh but when there is attraction, the basis of friendship were always with the hopes it progressed further. I'm not a fan of breaking up to make up. I never understood those type of relationships. It doesn't make sense to me to pick up where we left off, knowing where we left off was rather hostile. I have an "off" switch and no one has been able to find the breaker box to turn it back "on", sorry. I can't tell you how many times I sit in amazement when I see couples break up and they're back together 48-72 hours later. I know it's not my business, but sorry your privacy went out the window when Mark conjured up the world of Facebook back in 2004. The news feeds tells me so and I can ignore it, but it's like a bad car wreck; I just can't look away. The break up is very public, very "woe is me", pity party for 1 + friends list, "OMG, my life is over", "Where does my heartbeat now" (yeah, I totally went there with the Celine Dion reference). I'm sympathetic the first time around, but when I notice a pattern you're labeled as just pathetic in my books. I hover over the status to find the X and I remove all future status updates by you from my news feed. Your cry over a car wreck is nothing more than your quarterly fender bender and I've lost interest. I'm so stubborn on no one ever thinking the same about me that I refuse to publicize my relationship for one and another fact when I call it quits and it's a known status, THAT'S IT. I understand couples fight, but I guess I think you should work it out privately rather than go straight to the break up furthermore making it public. This is all just my opinion and you can call me out for being wrong, cold-hearted, or misguided. Seriously, how many of you have seen a couple in a "five year relationship" but they've "broken up" on more than five different occasions? Is it wrong for me to question the longevity of their relationship at that point? I genuinely hope for the best for them, but once again my opinion doesn't matter. This is just from the outside looking in, so I don't understand it. I'm going to go back to minding my own business, but I will say I'm not a fan of publicized break ups to make up.

Sexy Cougar!

No not that kind of cougar.

It's that time of the year again. Rebecca's anniversary isn't far off and this year's upset isn't much different from last year. I've been spending a lot more time with Courtney since she and Bobby got engaged. Everytime I drive away from our meetings I usually instantly remember Becca just the same.

I remember the times in Becca's car, that both Courtney and I adored. She had a sexy, yellow Mecury Limited edition Cougar. The first time I was in her car was right after I crossed and the car was filled with the smell of cloves. I cannot tell you how much the smell of cloves makes me choke up. My heart still cries when I see a Cougar on the road. The day after we crossed, Becca asked me and Courtney to wash her car for her. I'm sure most people would refuse and tell her to do it herself. However, Courtney and I jumped on this opportunity.  See if we had to wash the car, that meant we were going to get to drive the car. Like I said, Courtney and I adored that car. So many images of Becca driving through campus with the windows down and the music blaring resonate my memory. I continue to miss her and she crosses my mind randomly constantly.

To lighten the demeanor of this post I'll change the subject slightly. Last night I had dinner with Courtney. I went to go pick her up and I got lost of course. *fingers crossed* I hope I figure out how to get to Courtney's place without having the circle all of Decatur before the wedding. As we travel through the Highlands and find a decent parking spot, Courtney realizes I'm once again helpless and has to parallel park for me. Seriously, I'm a lost cause and so fortunate for two things: I have wonderful friends and I know how to laugh at myself. We went to go see my other wonderful sister Tiffany at her job, Goin' Coastal. Everyone go check it out and definitely try the Pink Lemonade, it is AMAZING! I don't think I've ever been so addicted to a drink. After our pre-dinner cocktail, we head to La Tavola for our dinner reservation. Courtney used to work there during undergrad, so we get our usual warm greetings as we enter. I ordered the gnocchi and I must have really hated it because I was sopping up the last of the black truffle sauce with my bread. When the waitress came to clear the table, Courtney and I looked at each other and with our head lowered we admit that we're not done with the plate. In conclusion, I'm convinced Chef Craig Richards uses crack in his ricotta gnocchi in black truffle sauce with chives topped with a poached egg. Of course, as usual it was wonderful to spend time with Courtney. I can't wait for the bachelorette and the wedding.

Ricotta Gnocchi in Black Truffle Sauce with Chives topped with a Poached Egg!

I was telling a friend last night I have a new deal breaker on my "list". The person I end up with needs to appreciate food. I came to this conclusion after the meal I had with Courtney last night. I would say I'm some sort of a pseudo-foodie. I'm not very picky, but I do find beauty in how food comes together and how different flavor notes can improve an entire dish. Growing up as an Indian and being fed an authentic diet, I'm attracted to complex flavors. I enjoy depths of flavor filled with warmth and spice. So, yes my signifcant other has to like food, moreover different types of food and be willing to try new things. Is that asking for too much? Eh, maybe.

Never be ashamed...

....accept what life offers you and try to drink from every cup. All wines should be tasted; some should only be sipped, but with others, drink the whole bottle."
"How will I know which is which?"
"By the taste. You can only know a good wine if you have first tasted a bad one." -Paulo Coelho, Brida

This quote seems fitting, if you take in consideration the name of my blog. Even more reason to apply it to my life, no? Recently, someone asked me what's the craziest thing I've ever done. I went through everything in my head and I couldn't think of anything "crazy". He pointed out that my profile says I would try anything once. This is really true, I think everything deserves a chance but once you do it, it doesn't seem so crazy anymore. I've been to a shooting range, skiing, went white water rafting, climbed a mountain, went to a monkey park, played a geisha for a few hours, sang and danced in front of over 500 people. None of that seems crazy though. I would do every single one of those again. For some people, getting on a plane to go across the world is crazy. I've been told I'm crazy for some things I never even thought twice about doing. So what is really considered crazy?

I think we relate "crazy" with our fears. As I've progressed in my Paulo Coelho reading list, most of the characters in his books seem to go through some major revelation. They've all had to face some kind of fear where in the end they triumph and have some kind of major epiphany. I started Brida this week and as I read it, I realize that everything in life deserves a chance. This book talks a lot about the paths that people come across in life. This quote seemed to resonate when I read it, "when you find your path, you must not be afraid. You need to have sufficient courage to make mistakes. Disappointment, defeat, and despair are the tools God uses to show us the way." When I leave this earth I know I won't regret the things I've done. I'm pretty sure I'll fixate more on the things I didn't do, the people I held back with, and the opportunities I let pass me by. We all have a bucket list, what's on yours?

I leave you with one last quote from the book that I'm still dissecting. "Choosing a path meant having to miss out on others. She had a whole life to live, and she was always thinking that, in the future, she might regret the choices she made now. 'I’m afraid of committing myself,' she thought to herself. She wanted to follow all possible paths and so ended up following none. Even in that most important area of her life, love, she had failed to commit herself. After her first romantic disappointment, she had never again given herself entirely. She feared pain, loss, and separation. These things were inevitable on the path to love, and the only way of avoiding them was by deciding not to take that path at all. In order not to suffer, you had to renounce love. It was like putting out your own eyes not to see the bad things in life." Thoughts anyone?

It's the simple things....

... in life that are the most extraordinary. - Paulo Coelho

I don't know how much of the love that I get I deserve. The feelings this year seem rather overwhelming. I feel so loved and I can't describe how wonderful it even feels. I'm seriously a very fortunate person.

This past Saturday I had my birthday dinner. Uma planned it so perfect. We had dinner at Prickly Pear, and it was wonderful. I was so happy to see so many of my closest friends all in one place. It really reminded me how much I have to be thankful for. Everyone at this dinner has one time in my life been there for me. Whether it was to just listen to my problems, give me advice, borrow something, make me laugh, or just for a hug. I don't think I can say thank you enough and express how I really feel because its limitless. We went to Havana after dinner and to say the least the night was one to remember(?). I was just so happy, giggly, and I felt like I was on the top of the world.

Yesterday was my real birthday. Once again, I felt so love. The out pour of calls, texts, wall posts were well received and appreciated. I had drinks with my friend Melissa, and it was just a simple night. I couldn't have asked for a better day or night. I love being able to catch up with everyone. I really love my life.

This is a short story written by Paulo Coelho, which will be the new promise I'm making to all my friends.

Once upon a time there was a poor but very brave man called Ali. He worked for Ammar, a rich old merchant.

One winter’s night Ammar said: “nobody can spend a night like this on top of the mountain without a blanket or food. But you need money, and if you can manage to do that you will receive a great reward. If you don’t, you will work for thirty days without pay”.

Ali answered: “tomorrow I shall do this test”.

But when he left the shop, he saw that a really icy wind was blowing and became scared, so he decided to ask his best friend, Aydi, if it was crazy of him to accept that bet.

After reflecting a while, Aydi answered: “I shall help you. Tomorrow, when you are at the top of the mountain, look ahead. I will be on the top of the mountain next to yours, where I will spend the whole night with a bonfire lit for you. You look at the fire and think about our friendship – that will keep you warm. You will manage, and later on I shall ask you something in return.”
Ali won the test, got the money, and went to his friend’s house: “You told me you wanted some payment.”

Aydi answered: ”Yes, but it isn’t money. Promise that if at any time a cold wind passes through my life, you will light the fire of friendship for me.”

I promise to all my friends that I will always be there for them and I will never take them for granted. I love all of you.

I'm in no rush!

All my close friends are happily married or engaged. Most girls would have a moment where they would honestly think, "what's wrong with me". Well after some thought, nothing is wrong with me. Yes, I'm flawed, and far from perfect. However, I'm educated, I cook, I clean, I workout, I'm a proud Gujarati, I'm a devote Hindu, I have family values, and I have morals. I'm not saying that something is wrong with every guy I've dated either; the timing just seemed to be off and I'm never in any mood to go revisit my past (I simply don't believe in it). I can honestly say I'm in no rush to get married. If you know me, I've conjured up my perfect wedding, and in my head I want it to be old school. I have an old heart and I want to walk down to a song perhaps circa 1961 but no later than maybe 1996 (even that's pushing it). I want to follow the old traditions to a tee, and I even plan on wearing my mother's old wedding sari. Yes, I've thought of it a lot, but I really don't wish to be married anytime soon.

I guess to clarify what I'm feeling, I should quote some logic from Sex and the City from the episode "I Love a Charade". This particular episode was about the zsa zsa zsu. The zsa zsa zsu is the feeling you get when you meet someone you really like and you get the butterflies in your stomach feeling. At the end, Carrie's voice over says, "some people are settling down, some people are settling, and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies". I gave this advice to my friend Divya about two years ago. Today, I get a text from her asking for my address. Why? Well that's because Divya is engaged to the guy she could never escape, her Mr. Big (I use this reference for obvious reasons). She listened to me and she refused to settle for anything less than the zsa zsa zsu. I told her it never lies and to always trust it. So today I thought, why preach it if I'm not going to listen to myself. I'm in no rush because I refuse to settle. I don't want the fairy tale ending without the fairy tale beginning and middle.

Am I slightly taken back by my friends' engagement/wedding ring? Yes. Do I cringe when my aunt says, "always a bridesmaid, never a bride"? Yes. Do I keep reading the Panic Years for reassurance that my reactions are normal? Absolutely! Does this make me want any of this sooner and faster? No. My friend Deepa (happily married) once said, "who said that marriage is the end all be all to happiness"? She's right. I've cried at every wedding, with the exception of Sonal's because frankly I fell asleep. *Side Note* Before you write me off as the world's worst friend, it was 3 in the morning and we were in India! During all the reception speeches, I also cried, again with the exception of Sonal's because she lived 10 minutes away. What I'm trying to say is, I'm emotional when it comes to my friends. Their happiness is my happiness. Their sadness usually consumes my every thought. I've said it before, I absolutely love my friends and so grateful for every single one of them. Trust me, I want what they have, but aside from their title of "wife", they also have love.

I'll end this post with a couple more quotes by my favorite author, you should know him by now. In Eleven Minutes, Paulo Coelho writes, "I need to love - that's all, I need to love. Life is too short, or too long, for me to allow myself the luxury of living it so badly." So I'll continue to live vicariously through my friends, until I find my own, because seeing them lets me know its worth it all. Marriage isn't the end all be all to happiness, love is happiness. Like Maria in Eleven Minutes, I know in order to find true love, I have to get the mediocre love out of my system, and I will, one day. I'm just in no rush, Maria help me conclude, "if I don't think about love, I will be nothing". So in the last month or so you've read about my moments of self realization and knowing my self worth. Today, you know that even though marriage isn't what I want, love is. Without love, I wouldn't say I'm nothing, but I'm incomplete.

Just one of them days....

...that a girl goes through. - Monica

I've mentioned it before but I'm forever an Atlanta girl (I have a set of veins on my left forearm in the form of the Atlanta Brave's A), so naturally I love Monica. Aside from the fact she's from the A, she has a great voice,and I literally grew up listening to her ever since I was in fourth grade, her music is rather nostalgic. So last year, I said I was going to make this a makeup blog, but recent events in my life and the major changes concluded me to just post about my life. I used this blog as a vehicle to get things out of my head so I'm remain sane. I don't think I have an eventful life. I do the normal things -- I put in a day's work, go to the gym, hang out with my friends, and indulge in "me" time in the form of reading, watching television, and listen to music. Like anyone I have those days where something just feels blah, and I can't put my finger on it.

It's a relatively gloomy, cloudy Sunday afternoon and I'm just thinking about going to the gym for yoga at 4:30. My best friend from high school, Katie finally joined my gym, so now I have someone to drag with me on days I need to just get out of my house and the only logical thing to do is head to the gym. Hopefully, Lois, the first friend I ever made at Buford, might also make an appearance. Power in numbers, right? 

This morning I was looking at the dress I wore for my birthday dinner last year. Its a black and purple, size 10, high empire waist, long, and flows out to flatter my midsection just perfect. This year it couldn't be more different. It's an off-white, medium, strapless, short, rouging all over, and skin tight. Don't get me wrong, I feel accomplished, I've done a lot in a year and a half that most people still have trouble grasping. I keep my before and after picture on my wall as my daily reminder and it still brings a gracious grin on my face (is that an oxymoron). However, this morning I woke up thinking about my friend Kamilah, who was going to run her first half-marathon this morning. She told me back in November she was going into training and I sincerely became somewhat envious of her "got to do it" attitude. If you've been keeping up, I have a slight addiction to the gym, but my outlook on cardio and endurance is still a love/hate relationship. I love the fact I burn all those calories in a span of 30-45 minutes but it feels like a chore, to say the least. I prefer taking the classes my gym has to offer, the elliptical, and the machines for strength conditioning. I don't really believe in resolutions, like I've mentioned before, but I do seem to set goals when my birthday approaches, during Diwali, and the traditional New Year (this helps with short-term considering they're 3-6 months apart from one another). Dare I say for this birthday, I really want to try to change my views on running. Bhagwan, played a great joke when I was born, He made sure I was born on the last day of a month so I start fresh on the first of the month with any new goal I set. Of course, that day happens to be April Fool's Day, so I can always conclude the day with a, "Haha, just kidding, I'm so funny, nice try there Hemli".

I have a feeling yoga will get me out of my funk, if nothing I now have something to think about during meditation. Tomorrow is a new day. I have a mid-week massage and facial, which I'm so glad I kept putting off because its coming at a great time. At the end of the week, I have my birthday dinner. The closer that gets, the more excited I get about being around some of my wonderful friends. That alone should be enough to help me get through my week. Today is just one of them days, don't take it personal.

We pretend to be strong....

...because we are weak. - Paulo Coelho

We all have weak moments. Those moments where you forgo that year and half diet and workout regimen for a day of vegging out to the max with every potato chip known to man kind. That moment where you want to give into your inhibitions and call or text the last guy that "broke your heart". Question is why do we do this to ourselves? We know the next time we step on the scale and see it inch closer to the right rather than the left, we'll kick ourselves for eating the oily, salted, potato wafer goodness. You'll kick yourself even harder if the guy from your past is less miserable than you. However, we all seem to put ourselves in these questionable situations.

Last night, I was guilty of the vegging out and eating every potato chip my pantry had to offer and to my dismay I gained a singular pound this morning. Granted a minor set back and its highly doubtful I won't lose it by the end of the day of detox and eating celery, carrots, hummus, and rice crisps. Am I going to blame myself if I don't fit into my birthday dress by Saturday for one day of weakness? Absolutely. Am I going to be calorie Nazi for the next seven days? Yes ma'am. Am I being really ridiculous? The answer again is yes. Am I able to justify this craziness without sounding completely superficial? Nope. I guess, it is what it is. While I feel like I have greasy skin and my cheeks are puffed out from the outrageous sodium intake, I'm still happy. Of course, I was bothered this morning, but I'm not a bad person.

The second scenario, I've been guilty of in my past. There comes a moment my hand and brain couldn't be further apart from one another. I unlock my phone, scroll to that magical name, and send that infamous, "hey what you doing", text. Once again, something I can't justify without sounding considerably crazy. This person, at one point of my life, was the reason I had a minor breakdown. Yet I seem to have a moment, where I have to wonder what he is doing. His life all of the sudden has somewhat a priority in my mind. Is he ok? What is he doing on a Saturday night at 10:30 p.m.? Why does he cross my mind, when I'm most certain until that inevitable, "message sent" pops up on my phone, he hasn't even considered a thought of me? We're all guilty of it, right? I know we are because I get that random phone call every couple of weeks from a few different handful of friends, "Hemina, I did something stupid". See, we even admit it was stupid, but that doesn't seem to stop us from doing it. Sometimes, we can blame it on the alcohol (thanks Jamie Foxx), but that doesn't change the fact we were just plain weak. My friend Deepa has a quote, "behind every strong girl is a weak one hiding from all the pain". Like Paulo Coelho says, it's actually really easy to pretend to be strong. Maybe that's because your self-dignity seems to suppress your weakness, at least in my opinion.

When is it ok to be weak though?

Memory of an elephant...

Amongst my friends, I'm often told I have the memory of an elephant. I've also been told I know the most useless information but somehow it comes in handy. When all else fails, I seem to know how to Google all the right answers to every question. I've always had an inquisitive nature, I question everything and try to dissect every answer I come across to derive the ultimate correct one. I'm usually the one that has to come up with the story for a group reception speech. I'm also the one that is texted when someone is thinking of a movie or song but can't remember the title. I have been known to Google "love" and find out why perfume is called eau du toilette. This has its advantage and disadvantage. The disadvantage is the expectations are high, and if I do happen to forget something I never live it down. The advantage of course is everyone believes me even if the memory is slightly distorted.

So why is this the subject of my post today; mainly, because I've really been thinking about the new Bradley Cooper movie, Limitless.*Invitation Alert* Who wants to go with me to go watch the movie, inquire within? The movie is essentially supposed to be about Cooper's character taking a pill, which in turn gives him the ability to use the full potential of his brain, the average human never has access to using.

How do you get your mind so balanced that you use it to its full potential? I take yoga at least twice a week and during meditation/relaxation, my mind still has trouble to come to rest and not think about anything. As the the soft notes are played in the background, I drift off into a memory or make up a magical scenario to make me calm. I always thought the whole point of meditation was to think of nothing, but how is that even remotely possible? They say to concentrate on the way you breathe, or imagine a flame and just concentrate on the way it blows in the wind. Both of these strategies pose as a problem for me. When I start to think about my breathing, I begin to think of my body as a whole and the physiology behind it, which obviously takes a lot of thought. When I think about the flame, the Hindu in me, makes me start thinking about a devo and I begin to recite the Gayatri Mantra in my head. There is clearly nothing wrong with praying as a form of meditation, but why is it so hard for a mind to come to complete rest?

Monday, during yoga's meditation period, I started thinking about the horizon of a beach. Of course, that scenario didn't bring my mind to rest either. I began to think about a book I read my junior year in high school called The Awakening. *Spoiler Alert* At the end of the book, the main character becomes one with the ocean and walks into the horizon as she meets her final awakening. This thought made me start having thoughts of death (the inevitability not suicidal). Once again the Hindu in me becomes more alert, as I start think about some verses in The Bagwhad Gita. I don't like preaching, especially when I'm still in the process of trying to understand my own religion, a twenty-five year old process. However, in the second chapter Krishna explains how we shouldn't mourn death because the soul is simply deposing of the body much like we shed our clothes everyday. I've tried really hard to grasp this thought, but telling someone not to grieve is like telling someone to make their mind rest and become free of thought. Since Monday, it seems to consume more of my thoughts. Two summers ago, I met my Guru Didi Ji and she also tried to explain it to me. I still have a hard time not having some significant people in my life, that I have lost, cross my mind. She actually told me that when I begin to think of these people, to meditate and free my mind of thoughts. As I mentioned earlier, that is already one of my problems.

I love the fact I have a great memory, but it seems to always keep me thinking about something. I can't seem to ever escape my thoughts. Also makes it really hard to let go of things I want to forget; or pretend things are ok, when I keep thinking about what went wrong. That's why I usually try to be easy going about things instead of dwell on things that are out of my control. Its still hard for the impatient Aries to become patient, moreover forget about things. This is all part of the journey to self realization, I suppose. I yield advice from my favorite Atliens, OutKast, when I say, "don't act impatiently, you'll get where you need to be, in due time".

Corn in the bags!

Yesterday, I spent some time with my sister Courtney. We had some drinks and  played cornhole. It was a great time just joking around and spending time with the hubby-to-be, hers not mine (LOL). My major epiphany of the day was that there were kernels of corn in the bags, which were then thrown in the hole....OH, CORNHOLE *light bulb*.

My birthday is right around the corner and for once, I'm not planning a single thing! Uma generously offered to plan everything and all I have to do is show up and be pretty. The only thing missing in that equation is the outfit, I'm determined to wear these brown shoes that I bought close to 2 years ago. The shoes have orange flowers and teal paisleys. These shoes need to be worn and suggestions are welcomed!

I was so amazed when Uma asked if I want her to plan for me. I realized that I've never had someone do that for me, nor have I really ever trusted anyone to do the planning. If there is one time of the year that I'm the pure definition of a brat, its my birthday. What can I say? I really love myself, and love any reason to celebrate *insert eye roll of disgust here*.

As twenty-six approaches, I find myself at the greatest health ever, happiest I've been in a while, and single. Once upon a time, I thought I needed a guy for validation, but for once I'm content just where I am. I've noticed I don't ever want to settle. Back in January, things amiably ended with, in my opinion, a rather good, decent guy. Before the night ended, he looked me square in the eyes and told me to realize my self worth and never settle because I am a great girl. Usually, I take these words in vain, especially considering the source, but even if he was lying he wasn't speaking far from the truth. I really don't give myself enough credit and that moment of self realization was a long time coming. Who would have thought, that the end of something, would in turn be the beginning of me? The last month or so I decided to finally just concentrate on myself. I haven't really been getting asked out and as I look through my phone most of my text messages seem to be from my nineteen year old cousin in New Jersey. These moments I'm by myself and given some real time to think, I start to dissect my past and make of list of little things I can improve. For example, I'm very intolerant to ignorance, which sometimes isn't really the person's fault, especially if they just haven't been educated in the particular topic. Among other things, I'm starting to realize that sometimes its easier to just change your ways, rather than try to dig deep and be nit picky about everything. So what's the difference between compromising and settling? Please comment below. 

At the beginning of this month, I was sent to New Jersey for my cousin's Sweet Sixteen. I was filled with mixed emotions about going because there had been a disconnect between myself and my family for quite some time, seven years to be exact. Of course, my parents don't suggest me go many places without some kind of ulterior motive. What could that be you ask? Well I'm about to turn twenty-six and still single, you do that math *insert your own light bulb moment here*. Instead of coming back with a love match, I came back home with a new profound relationship with my cousins. My favorite of them all of course is my niece, Diya, I just can't resist the girl. She brings the biggest smile on my face and I see my personality in her entire being, which of course I love even more, a little mini-me in the making. The eldest cousin Ravi, still being six years my junior, being the closest to me and even though he didn't even know I was his cousin, we seemed to not miss a beat. I remember when he was a kid he was a terror squad in one little body and I was actually nervous to see his growth in my absence. I'll put it out there, he did fine for himself and I'm happy in a short week or so we have gotten closer and the loyalty is understood between us both. How can I forget our princess for the weekend though? The last time I saw Anisha was seven years ago at another cousin's wedding and she was nothing less of a brat back in the day. I say that, but I can't even remember what situation made me define her as a brat, but I dismiss it since she was only nine years old. Now she's grown up and seems to be doing well for herself. Now that I've reconnected with her, I plan on checking up on her and taking her under my wing to make her into the mature, wonderful lady she should be. This week, I've pretty much been in withdrawal, and to think I only spent a little over forty-eight hours with these people. Every moment I spare a minute, I text my cousin and I'm reminded daily by Anisha how much I'm missed, which is completely reciprocated. During our time together, we all slept on the couch together and talked until the hours of the morning, watching Hindi movies. I'm pretty much missing my family more than ever right now *nostalgic moment*.

I took the time and read my horoscope last night. Usually, I don't really listen, but even in my skepticism I'm excited about what is in store for the next couple weeks as the month comes to an end. At the end of the day, I know it'll end with a bang, after all the last day of the month is my BIRTHDAY! Anyway talk to everyone soon!