Without you...

My heart still can't imagine that she is gone. The little reminders that surround me have become overwhelming. Rebecca has been gone for four years and I find this year the most unbearable. 

"Geoffrey Chaucer wrote: 'Time heals all wounds,' but what he failed to mention was the scar those wounds leave behind. The painful things that happened to us permanently leave their mark. They don’t necessarily hurt anymore but they are always there as a reminder. As a memory. And as time passes maybe the memory gets a little fussy. But we always have the scar to remind us it happened. That we lived through it. That we survived." *Carrie Diaries*

I have small reminders that keep me in a very melancholy mood. Driving to see my new baby niece, I see a white Mercury Cougar, the tears just fell and turned into a major meltdown. The fire at Oxford on my birthday in 2004 crossed my mind, Rebecca's floor was affected and she had to move. The thoughts of Day of Silence cross my mind and I cry every time I wear my shirt. Hanging in my room, is my Omega Delta jersey with her name stitched in the bottom corner. I remember late night study nights and staying outside with her while she would smoke her cloves. 

I've had some moments lately that I wish I just had my big sister to talk me through. She always seem to make things better when I was at my lowest. Death is like the bad breakup with no closure. The mystery behind her death still leaves a void that I still haven't been able to articulate. Usually in a breakup, you can eventually get your answers as time goes on or letting go becomes easier. With death, the answers stay unanswered and letting go isn't as easy. In breakups, you have a moment you can finally apologize and find some redemption. In death, you almost fear your apologies are getting lost in the wind and the feelings consume you. 

This year may have been the first time I broke down and couldn't hold in my tears. I told a friend and he told me that, "ignorance can be bliss, not knowing will help you hold on to the memories that help you think of her in high esteem." The pain just doesn't seem to suppress. Losing someone you care so much about will never be easy. Over the years, I've lost a few people in my life but Rebecca leaves a hollow space in my heart that I will never be able to explain. The memories pop up more so in April than any other time of the year. The smile she was able to bring on my face is not something I can compare. I'm left with memories of cloves and a perfume that leaves me intoxicated. I miss Becca, my sweet big sister. 

What if the last hug you gave me was the last one ever, would you have held on a little longer? What if it's just as easy as scrolling to my name, would you call me one last time? What if all you wanted to do was tell me you love me, would you? I would do all those things right now if I could just have Becca here one more time. I'll never have this chance, but you have a choice to change those moments that could be your very last.