Writer's Block!

It's been so long since I posted. In that time Courtney and Aarti got married. Both weddings were gorgeous and I had a wonderful time. Scroll down to see Aarti's video collage.

I have somewhat a writer's block right now. Writer's block means only one thing, I have much more on my mind then usual. For every union, I have seen a break up in the last month. Somehow, I seem to be the voice of reason or the advice guru in these situations. I'm always willing to lend an ear, shoulder to cry on, and pull out some Coelho quote to digress from the usual cliche. However, what makes someone think I'm so stable to take advice from me? I've been single for almost a year and after coming back from England it's been more acknowledged that single is a good look on me. I do miss companionship but I'm not going to sell myself short just to have it. I told my friend Vani, I forgot what it meant to have a simple kiss, it's been so long. Just because I'm content and have a smile on my face does not mean I have any earthly clue what I'm talking about. My knowledge comes from experience and some personal moments of self-awareness. At the beginning of this year, I wrote a post called R.I.P. to the girl you used to see and I wrote:

Lesson 5 -- never seek advice from those who don't have their act together. I refer to my favorite author, Paulo Coelho, "(Don’t) listen to the malicious comments of those friends who, never taking any risks themselves, can only see other people’s failures."

I still stand by what I say. Kanye said it best, "How could a goddess ask, someone that's only average?" With matters of the heart, advice should always be taken with a grain of salt.

While I was in England my aunt told me that she proposed to Uncle Jers. He just looked at me and said "you Patel women have balls *insert silence for timing* and temper". I laughed for a moment but it occurred to me that same blood runs through my veins and I'm no different. While it might not be the Patel blood that runs through my veins, the bloodline he was referring to was my dada, Soma Kanji himself. He made us a strong bunch, he was a man with a stern tongue and an equally compassionate heart. Having those two qualities has kept the Soma Kanji Patel women bold with fire in their heart. That boldness and fire exudes confidence and also has instilled independence. Referencing the post previously mentioned, I live by lesson one: never be afraid to open up to someone. There is only a handful of people I have sat in awkward silence rather then expressed my thoughts, but decorum is important in some cases.

For the last three years, I've been reading the book "The Art of Seduction".  Before you write me off as a slow reader, understand the book is written much like a textbook. It starts out giving you the definitions of the ten different types of seducers and from the definitions you have to decipher which one applies to you. Then the book goes on to talk about the different victims of the seducers. The part that gets me is the "victim" part. Such a derogatory word to explain how someone can captivate another by a mere glance. Finally, the last part of the book is the seductive process which is twenty-four different steps to follow broken up in four different phases. So why has it taken me three plus years to read this book (still an ongoing process)? Simply put, I get disgusted by the tactics it throws at me. If you can explain a woman and the way she is in ten definitions then you've already lost half the battle. I thought about all my friends and neither of us are the same. We have some similar interests and maybe some qualities but we all have something that cannot be defined. I'm not trying to be a realist but seriously build a bridge and get over it. There is no art of seduction, you aren't going to wake up one morning and become a coquette because a book told you how to be . Furthermore, you're not going to figure out a guy over a 250+ page book because you put some generic stereotypes on him. If it was that easy, life would have came with a manual. I'll be the first to acknowledge the fact that I read my horoscope and refer to situations as "the Aries in me", however it's not going determine how I live my life. I read Zodiac Facts on Twitter and have the occasional chuckle when I think to myself, "yup, that's totally me" and retweet my confirmation. Sometimes I still think it's all crazy. I'm not going to deny a person because he's a Capricorn. How is that even a valid reason? There is no self-help book, 12-step program, or astrology chart that is going to confirm whether you should be with someone or not. The lesson in this would be to just trust your instinct.

I really do believe in the whole take the time to be single. It's ok to date just to date. You don't need validation from anyone and just know that all the rules go out of the window. There is no such thing as three day rules. There is no need to play the waiting game of who is going to text who first. If a guy refers to you as crazy or aggressive over something so silly as a "Hey, how are you?" text leave it to the fact you had a date and that was that. Not every date has to conclude in some long winded relationship that stretches out for a year only to come to realization that the two of you were never compatible and everything was based on that first date. Courtney says it all the time, "I married my best friend". More than ever, I'm going to heed her advice and know that my next relationship needs to have a foundation that I've never really established in the past, a friendship.

So what makes me so great at giving advice? My book is written by the success stories I'm surrounded by daily. I see the ins and outs of them and I grow to appreciate their situations knowing mine should only be comparable. I was telling Kamilah today that my expectations aren't high they just need to be equivalent to what I already have. So my number one rule still stands -- NEVER DOWNGRADE!

The world can seem so vast....

...on this journey to the past. Let this road be mine, let it lead me to my past....to bring me home. (Aaliyah's Journey to the Past from the movie soundtrack Anastasia)

It’s been so long since I’ve posted. Since my last post I’ve been to New Orleans for Courtney’s bachelorette, became ill, and then jet set to England to visit my family.

As Courtney’s wedding begins to creep up on us, I find myself reminiscing more about New Orleans. The city is beautiful in its own little way. I found myself imagining the fact that Hurricane Katrina was no more than about six years ago. I was amazed how much had been rebuilt in such a short time. It was similar to the time I visited Hiroshima, I stood in awe and it brought tears to my eyes to think about how innocent civilians had to experience the devastation. The weekend was wonderful and I’m so glad I got to spend time with so many wonderful girls. The thought of that weekend just makes me more excited that the wedding is so close. This afternoon I wrote my speech/toast and I, of course, choked up just at the mere thought of how far my friendship with Courtney has come. Aside from that, if it wasn’t for Courtney, I wouldn’t have met so many wonderful people such as Mama McBee, Tara, Bobby, Kristen, Sonya, and Samantha. I could rave for hours about every single one of them, even Bobby…LOL. Like I’ve said before I’m so lucky to have a person like Courtney in my life. Needless to say, New Orleans will always be dear to my heart and will always make me think of my dear sister.

Moving on, shortly after New Orleans I became ill, again. I just became weak and fatigued. Come to find out, my anemia was acting up and physically wearing me out. After I was finally somewhat fit, I decided to go to England with my mom. My grandmother was going to have a knee replacement and my mom wanted to go take care of her. At first, she was only going to go by herself but after some convincing from my aunt, my decision was easier to make.

This trip to England was not like my previous visit, almost twelve years ago. This time I seemed to have left my heart at my grandmother’s house. The first thing I see when I get in the living room is a picture of my grandfather with a garland. He passed away ten years, just two days after my sixteenth birthday. My Dada spoiled me so much and he adored me. He used to tell me that if I would massage his head and walk on his back, he would buy me the thickest gold necklace money could buy. I blame him for my obsession with precious jewelry. I have so many memories in that house, so it is hard not to be nostalgic just walking through the doorway.  I was telling my grandmother about how she scarred me for life, when she used to corner me to give me medicine. I found irony in the fact, twenty-three years have passed and I was now the one forcing her to take her medicine. I enjoyed spending time with my aunts and uncles. The first two weeks, I spent in Slough with my Nayna Masi and Uncle Jers. I was excited to spend time with my new baby cousin Esme, who decided to finally make her appearance after eight years. Her mannerisms are very comparable to mine when I was younger. It was nice to sleep in late and get spoiled by my aunt and uncle. I can't remember the last time I genuinely didn't have to lift a finger to do anything. Of course, my aunt did that knowing the work that was in store for me when I returned to Manchester. 

It seemed like I was going non-stop when I returned to my grandmother's house in Ashton. My mom and I spent a lot of time cooking and catering to guest that would come to visit my grandmother. When I finally had some time to relax, I would walk around the town to visit my old neighbors and get a feel for my birthplace again. So much had changed, but it still felt like home. Almost everyone still lived in the same house they did back in 1989. I was spoiled by all my neighbors; they all cooked for me, bought me sweets, and showered me with presents. My mom's best friend and her husband took us under their wings and aided us in every way possible during our time there. There is something about the closeness in the neighborhood that is so endearing, I find myself missing that the most. A couple of days before I was going to leave my aunt from Dubai came to take over the caretaker duties. I hadn't seen my Daxa Masi since I left England when I was four. Along with my aunt, I met all five of my cousins for the first time and my Uncle Nasser. The kids are so well behaved and well-mannered. I grew attached to them in the short time I had to spend with them. I miss the girls the most. Ayesha is beautiful and bright and Amina is so sweet and the spitting image of her mother. The eldest of the five, Sofiyan, was the most impressive. He reminds me a lot of my uncle and brother. I've noticed babies seem to flock to the three of them and are easily pacified in their arms; they'll all make wonderful fathers one day. I was happy to spend time with my uncle this time. He's only six years my senior, so we do have somewhat of a connect, since the generation gap seems minuscule. I think it was different this time for the both of us. I was able to articulate my thoughts and feelings, which was reciprocated and discussed with a little bit more attention. I guess it's easier to take me seriously, since I'm 26 years old versus 14 years old.

I never realized how much I needed my extended family until this trip. There are days I can't vocalize how I feel and I wish I had someone there to help me organize my thoughts. Some things are too family oriented for me to share with even my closest friends. It's a holiday like this that makes me wish there wasn't 4000 miles between us. I remember, vaguely, I was very depressed when I moved to America back in 1989. Even thinking about it now I tear up. From the day I was born to when I was four, I never went more than 48 hours without seeing at least one of the seven members in my extended family (with exception of my holiday to India when I was one and a half). They took care of me, picked me up from nursery, fed me, played with me, basically spoiled me rotten. Thinking back to those times makes me question what it means to have a home. They say home is where the heart, and I'm not so sure it ever left England. I know my time there was limited but I had everything I needed in all of about a 5 mile radius. More importantly I had my family, whom I miss more then ever. I might need to borrow Dorthy's ruby pumps and click my heels. There's no place like home.

Let me upgrade ya....

I have one rule after a break up/parting....UPGRADE!

Not a single ending doesn't end with me saying, "you better upgrade". I do not, by any means, think that I'm the end all be all for any guy. Therefore, I think it's only appropriate for him to upgrade. I think he should prove me wrong, that he can do better. Maybe not in all aspects, but the two that rise to the top is personality and physically. Granted, someone being physically attractive is a matter of opinion, but it's not beyond me to think a girl is prettier than me. I have no shame in admitting it, and I think every girl is pretty in some way or another. How many of you have said, "how the did he go from 'her' to 'that girl'?". I find it actually an insult for someone I was with to go to someone less attractive. I digress, looks aren't everything.

However, if the new girl's personality is sub-par to mine I have an issue. Every guy I've talked to, I ask that infamous question, "what do you look for in a girl?". Most of the time, the response is an amazing personality. So I have to wonder when I see the next girl and her personality is not even close to what mine is. What even constitutes as an amazing personality?

I understand I have no right to even make such a request, being the ex. Even if she is the "transition girlfriend" aka rebound you should at least make sure she is an improvement in looks for the sake of your own dignity. No guy wants to be known as the guy that couldn't do any better than who he used to be with. I might hate it, but all I'm saying is make me jealous. Make me wish I had cared to put up a fight, furthermore, wish I was still with you. That's all I'm saying.

I was wondering maybe....

My MP3 player died, and since I can't really get any work done without music I had to resort to the few songs I have on my miniSD on my phone to hold me over. The song "Unthinkable" by Alicia Keys started playing. It has occurred to me, I forgot how it feels to have butterflies. How does it feel when it's meant to be? Do I deserve it? If you ask me, I'm definitely not ready. When I went to go see the musical, Mrs. Staples told me she read my blog and she told me it's ok that I'm not in a rush. A friend of mine recently told me I've never been one of those girls that's needed a man to get by, I agree. Usually I have it all figured out, but something seems off lately. I'm unusually distracted, most of it is the excitement of the bachelorette, but some of it is a somber overcast. It'll wash away with a good run and a good night's rest. I'll file this day away as just one of them days.

On a lighter note, I'm so excited about NOLA this weekend and the shirts made it more of a reality. They turned out amazing!

Who is having the best week ever?

First I have to say my heart cried this week. The Hindu, actually the spiritual, community lost a remarkable person. Rest in peace Satya Sai Baba. No one will ever forget your teachings and the impact you made.

So who is having the best week ever?

Kate Middleton? Staying true to my roots and claiming myself as a Lancashire Red Rose, I woke up at 5 a.m. to watch the Royal Wedding with a sense of real pride. It's already been said, she was gorgeous, fairy tale wedding, etc etc etc. I asked my mom about Princess Diana's wedding and she said that it was just as show stopper. She and dad had the day off from work in observance of the wedding. My brother was only a year old and I wasn't born yet. I'm sure it was just as beautiful.

President Obama? Yes, finally Osama Bin Laden has been killed. I will say Former President George W. Bush deserves a lot of the credit. I'm going to stop right there.

Lois? Lois was the first girl I met in Buford back in fourth grade. Why would she be having the best week ever? Oh no reason, she just got proposed to at the Gwinnett Braves game this past Saturday. I'm so happy for her. I'm so glad I was there to see it. I was sitting a few sections away from her, but when I looked over Ryan was on one knee proposing. It was so sweet, and the ring is gorgeous.

Me? I got see my favorite girls this past week. First, Whitney stopped in Atlanta on her drive home from Miami. Me, Whitney, Kamilah, Drinks, Vortex, Little 5 Points, Fogo de Chao, need I say more? Reckless, as usual. Then an unexpected surprise, due to a delay in New York, Lisa and Arti were stuck in Atlanta for the night and I got to see them for dinner. Saturday, I got to spend time with Katie Boles, my wonderful sister, and Mama McBee for the Gwinnett Braves game. Also, aside from the fact I'm probably going to be worthless this week, this time Friday I will be in New Orleans. I just got the artwork for the tanks that were ordered for Courtney's bachelorette. I have to say they look amazing and my new T-shirt place is Cotton Eyed Joe's. As if the idea of it being a bachelorette wasn't exciting enough, it also happens to be JazzFest. I'm so excited! Did I mention out of twelve ladies, I'm the only that will be single? Also, this is my first time ever in New Orleans. So with all that said clearly, I'm having the best week ever!

Break up to make up?

No, thank you. I was listening to my MP3 player on random song shuffle and Ashanti's "Break up 2 Make up" started playing. I kept reversing parts of the lyrics so I was understanding them.

A friend recently told me I leave doors open, or at least that's what it seems from the few weeks he's been getting to know me. He's right I do but I'm adamant about not revisiting a failed relationship. Parts of me hopes for a friendship, but I'm beginning to understand you can't be friends. I think I walk away from every relationship wanting to salvage a friendship, but I recently realized we were never friends to begin with. I know that sounds very harsh but when there is attraction, the basis of friendship were always with the hopes it progressed further. I'm not a fan of breaking up to make up. I never understood those type of relationships. It doesn't make sense to me to pick up where we left off, knowing where we left off was rather hostile. I have an "off" switch and no one has been able to find the breaker box to turn it back "on", sorry. I can't tell you how many times I sit in amazement when I see couples break up and they're back together 48-72 hours later. I know it's not my business, but sorry your privacy went out the window when Mark conjured up the world of Facebook back in 2004. The news feeds tells me so and I can ignore it, but it's like a bad car wreck; I just can't look away. The break up is very public, very "woe is me", pity party for 1 + friends list, "OMG, my life is over", "Where does my heartbeat now" (yeah, I totally went there with the Celine Dion reference). I'm sympathetic the first time around, but when I notice a pattern you're labeled as just pathetic in my books. I hover over the status to find the X and I remove all future status updates by you from my news feed. Your cry over a car wreck is nothing more than your quarterly fender bender and I've lost interest. I'm so stubborn on no one ever thinking the same about me that I refuse to publicize my relationship for one and another fact when I call it quits and it's a known status, THAT'S IT. I understand couples fight, but I guess I think you should work it out privately rather than go straight to the break up furthermore making it public. This is all just my opinion and you can call me out for being wrong, cold-hearted, or misguided. Seriously, how many of you have seen a couple in a "five year relationship" but they've "broken up" on more than five different occasions? Is it wrong for me to question the longevity of their relationship at that point? I genuinely hope for the best for them, but once again my opinion doesn't matter. This is just from the outside looking in, so I don't understand it. I'm going to go back to minding my own business, but I will say I'm not a fan of publicized break ups to make up.

Sexy Cougar!

No not that kind of cougar.

It's that time of the year again. Rebecca's anniversary isn't far off and this year's upset isn't much different from last year. I've been spending a lot more time with Courtney since she and Bobby got engaged. Everytime I drive away from our meetings I usually instantly remember Becca just the same.

I remember the times in Becca's car, that both Courtney and I adored. She had a sexy, yellow Mecury Limited edition Cougar. The first time I was in her car was right after I crossed and the car was filled with the smell of cloves. I cannot tell you how much the smell of cloves makes me choke up. My heart still cries when I see a Cougar on the road. The day after we crossed, Becca asked me and Courtney to wash her car for her. I'm sure most people would refuse and tell her to do it herself. However, Courtney and I jumped on this opportunity.  See if we had to wash the car, that meant we were going to get to drive the car. Like I said, Courtney and I adored that car. So many images of Becca driving through campus with the windows down and the music blaring resonate my memory. I continue to miss her and she crosses my mind randomly constantly.

To lighten the demeanor of this post I'll change the subject slightly. Last night I had dinner with Courtney. I went to go pick her up and I got lost of course. *fingers crossed* I hope I figure out how to get to Courtney's place without having the circle all of Decatur before the wedding. As we travel through the Highlands and find a decent parking spot, Courtney realizes I'm once again helpless and has to parallel park for me. Seriously, I'm a lost cause and so fortunate for two things: I have wonderful friends and I know how to laugh at myself. We went to go see my other wonderful sister Tiffany at her job, Goin' Coastal. Everyone go check it out and definitely try the Pink Lemonade, it is AMAZING! I don't think I've ever been so addicted to a drink. After our pre-dinner cocktail, we head to La Tavola for our dinner reservation. Courtney used to work there during undergrad, so we get our usual warm greetings as we enter. I ordered the gnocchi and I must have really hated it because I was sopping up the last of the black truffle sauce with my bread. When the waitress came to clear the table, Courtney and I looked at each other and with our head lowered we admit that we're not done with the plate. In conclusion, I'm convinced Chef Craig Richards uses crack in his ricotta gnocchi in black truffle sauce with chives topped with a poached egg. Of course, as usual it was wonderful to spend time with Courtney. I can't wait for the bachelorette and the wedding.

Ricotta Gnocchi in Black Truffle Sauce with Chives topped with a Poached Egg!

I was telling a friend last night I have a new deal breaker on my "list". The person I end up with needs to appreciate food. I came to this conclusion after the meal I had with Courtney last night. I would say I'm some sort of a pseudo-foodie. I'm not very picky, but I do find beauty in how food comes together and how different flavor notes can improve an entire dish. Growing up as an Indian and being fed an authentic diet, I'm attracted to complex flavors. I enjoy depths of flavor filled with warmth and spice. So, yes my signifcant other has to like food, moreover different types of food and be willing to try new things. Is that asking for too much? Eh, maybe.

Never be ashamed...

....accept what life offers you and try to drink from every cup. All wines should be tasted; some should only be sipped, but with others, drink the whole bottle."
"How will I know which is which?"
"By the taste. You can only know a good wine if you have first tasted a bad one." -Paulo Coelho, Brida

This quote seems fitting, if you take in consideration the name of my blog. Even more reason to apply it to my life, no? Recently, someone asked me what's the craziest thing I've ever done. I went through everything in my head and I couldn't think of anything "crazy". He pointed out that my profile says I would try anything once. This is really true, I think everything deserves a chance but once you do it, it doesn't seem so crazy anymore. I've been to a shooting range, skiing, went white water rafting, climbed a mountain, went to a monkey park, played a geisha for a few hours, sang and danced in front of over 500 people. None of that seems crazy though. I would do every single one of those again. For some people, getting on a plane to go across the world is crazy. I've been told I'm crazy for some things I never even thought twice about doing. So what is really considered crazy?

I think we relate "crazy" with our fears. As I've progressed in my Paulo Coelho reading list, most of the characters in his books seem to go through some major revelation. They've all had to face some kind of fear where in the end they triumph and have some kind of major epiphany. I started Brida this week and as I read it, I realize that everything in life deserves a chance. This book talks a lot about the paths that people come across in life. This quote seemed to resonate when I read it, "when you find your path, you must not be afraid. You need to have sufficient courage to make mistakes. Disappointment, defeat, and despair are the tools God uses to show us the way." When I leave this earth I know I won't regret the things I've done. I'm pretty sure I'll fixate more on the things I didn't do, the people I held back with, and the opportunities I let pass me by. We all have a bucket list, what's on yours?

I leave you with one last quote from the book that I'm still dissecting. "Choosing a path meant having to miss out on others. She had a whole life to live, and she was always thinking that, in the future, she might regret the choices she made now. 'I’m afraid of committing myself,' she thought to herself. She wanted to follow all possible paths and so ended up following none. Even in that most important area of her life, love, she had failed to commit herself. After her first romantic disappointment, she had never again given herself entirely. She feared pain, loss, and separation. These things were inevitable on the path to love, and the only way of avoiding them was by deciding not to take that path at all. In order not to suffer, you had to renounce love. It was like putting out your own eyes not to see the bad things in life." Thoughts anyone?

It's the simple things....

... in life that are the most extraordinary. - Paulo Coelho

I don't know how much of the love that I get I deserve. The feelings this year seem rather overwhelming. I feel so loved and I can't describe how wonderful it even feels. I'm seriously a very fortunate person.

This past Saturday I had my birthday dinner. Uma planned it so perfect. We had dinner at Prickly Pear, and it was wonderful. I was so happy to see so many of my closest friends all in one place. It really reminded me how much I have to be thankful for. Everyone at this dinner has one time in my life been there for me. Whether it was to just listen to my problems, give me advice, borrow something, make me laugh, or just for a hug. I don't think I can say thank you enough and express how I really feel because its limitless. We went to Havana after dinner and to say the least the night was one to remember(?). I was just so happy, giggly, and I felt like I was on the top of the world.

Yesterday was my real birthday. Once again, I felt so love. The out pour of calls, texts, wall posts were well received and appreciated. I had drinks with my friend Melissa, and it was just a simple night. I couldn't have asked for a better day or night. I love being able to catch up with everyone. I really love my life.

This is a short story written by Paulo Coelho, which will be the new promise I'm making to all my friends.

Once upon a time there was a poor but very brave man called Ali. He worked for Ammar, a rich old merchant.

One winter’s night Ammar said: “nobody can spend a night like this on top of the mountain without a blanket or food. But you need money, and if you can manage to do that you will receive a great reward. If you don’t, you will work for thirty days without pay”.

Ali answered: “tomorrow I shall do this test”.

But when he left the shop, he saw that a really icy wind was blowing and became scared, so he decided to ask his best friend, Aydi, if it was crazy of him to accept that bet.

After reflecting a while, Aydi answered: “I shall help you. Tomorrow, when you are at the top of the mountain, look ahead. I will be on the top of the mountain next to yours, where I will spend the whole night with a bonfire lit for you. You look at the fire and think about our friendship – that will keep you warm. You will manage, and later on I shall ask you something in return.”
Ali won the test, got the money, and went to his friend’s house: “You told me you wanted some payment.”

Aydi answered: ”Yes, but it isn’t money. Promise that if at any time a cold wind passes through my life, you will light the fire of friendship for me.”

I promise to all my friends that I will always be there for them and I will never take them for granted. I love all of you.

I'm in no rush!

All my close friends are happily married or engaged. Most girls would have a moment where they would honestly think, "what's wrong with me". Well after some thought, nothing is wrong with me. Yes, I'm flawed, and far from perfect. However, I'm educated, I cook, I clean, I workout, I'm a proud Gujarati, I'm a devote Hindu, I have family values, and I have morals. I'm not saying that something is wrong with every guy I've dated either; the timing just seemed to be off and I'm never in any mood to go revisit my past (I simply don't believe in it). I can honestly say I'm in no rush to get married. If you know me, I've conjured up my perfect wedding, and in my head I want it to be old school. I have an old heart and I want to walk down to a song perhaps circa 1961 but no later than maybe 1996 (even that's pushing it). I want to follow the old traditions to a tee, and I even plan on wearing my mother's old wedding sari. Yes, I've thought of it a lot, but I really don't wish to be married anytime soon.

I guess to clarify what I'm feeling, I should quote some logic from Sex and the City from the episode "I Love a Charade". This particular episode was about the zsa zsa zsu. The zsa zsa zsu is the feeling you get when you meet someone you really like and you get the butterflies in your stomach feeling. At the end, Carrie's voice over says, "some people are settling down, some people are settling, and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies". I gave this advice to my friend Divya about two years ago. Today, I get a text from her asking for my address. Why? Well that's because Divya is engaged to the guy she could never escape, her Mr. Big (I use this reference for obvious reasons). She listened to me and she refused to settle for anything less than the zsa zsa zsu. I told her it never lies and to always trust it. So today I thought, why preach it if I'm not going to listen to myself. I'm in no rush because I refuse to settle. I don't want the fairy tale ending without the fairy tale beginning and middle.

Am I slightly taken back by my friends' engagement/wedding ring? Yes. Do I cringe when my aunt says, "always a bridesmaid, never a bride"? Yes. Do I keep reading the Panic Years for reassurance that my reactions are normal? Absolutely! Does this make me want any of this sooner and faster? No. My friend Deepa (happily married) once said, "who said that marriage is the end all be all to happiness"? She's right. I've cried at every wedding, with the exception of Sonal's because frankly I fell asleep. *Side Note* Before you write me off as the world's worst friend, it was 3 in the morning and we were in India! During all the reception speeches, I also cried, again with the exception of Sonal's because she lived 10 minutes away. What I'm trying to say is, I'm emotional when it comes to my friends. Their happiness is my happiness. Their sadness usually consumes my every thought. I've said it before, I absolutely love my friends and so grateful for every single one of them. Trust me, I want what they have, but aside from their title of "wife", they also have love.

I'll end this post with a couple more quotes by my favorite author, you should know him by now. In Eleven Minutes, Paulo Coelho writes, "I need to love - that's all, I need to love. Life is too short, or too long, for me to allow myself the luxury of living it so badly." So I'll continue to live vicariously through my friends, until I find my own, because seeing them lets me know its worth it all. Marriage isn't the end all be all to happiness, love is happiness. Like Maria in Eleven Minutes, I know in order to find true love, I have to get the mediocre love out of my system, and I will, one day. I'm just in no rush, Maria help me conclude, "if I don't think about love, I will be nothing". So in the last month or so you've read about my moments of self realization and knowing my self worth. Today, you know that even though marriage isn't what I want, love is. Without love, I wouldn't say I'm nothing, but I'm incomplete.

Just one of them days....

...that a girl goes through. - Monica

I've mentioned it before but I'm forever an Atlanta girl (I have a set of veins on my left forearm in the form of the Atlanta Brave's A), so naturally I love Monica. Aside from the fact she's from the A, she has a great voice,and I literally grew up listening to her ever since I was in fourth grade, her music is rather nostalgic. So last year, I said I was going to make this a makeup blog, but recent events in my life and the major changes concluded me to just post about my life. I used this blog as a vehicle to get things out of my head so I'm remain sane. I don't think I have an eventful life. I do the normal things -- I put in a day's work, go to the gym, hang out with my friends, and indulge in "me" time in the form of reading, watching television, and listen to music. Like anyone I have those days where something just feels blah, and I can't put my finger on it.

It's a relatively gloomy, cloudy Sunday afternoon and I'm just thinking about going to the gym for yoga at 4:30. My best friend from high school, Katie finally joined my gym, so now I have someone to drag with me on days I need to just get out of my house and the only logical thing to do is head to the gym. Hopefully, Lois, the first friend I ever made at Buford, might also make an appearance. Power in numbers, right? 

This morning I was looking at the dress I wore for my birthday dinner last year. Its a black and purple, size 10, high empire waist, long, and flows out to flatter my midsection just perfect. This year it couldn't be more different. It's an off-white, medium, strapless, short, rouging all over, and skin tight. Don't get me wrong, I feel accomplished, I've done a lot in a year and a half that most people still have trouble grasping. I keep my before and after picture on my wall as my daily reminder and it still brings a gracious grin on my face (is that an oxymoron). However, this morning I woke up thinking about my friend Kamilah, who was going to run her first half-marathon this morning. She told me back in November she was going into training and I sincerely became somewhat envious of her "got to do it" attitude. If you've been keeping up, I have a slight addiction to the gym, but my outlook on cardio and endurance is still a love/hate relationship. I love the fact I burn all those calories in a span of 30-45 minutes but it feels like a chore, to say the least. I prefer taking the classes my gym has to offer, the elliptical, and the machines for strength conditioning. I don't really believe in resolutions, like I've mentioned before, but I do seem to set goals when my birthday approaches, during Diwali, and the traditional New Year (this helps with short-term considering they're 3-6 months apart from one another). Dare I say for this birthday, I really want to try to change my views on running. Bhagwan, played a great joke when I was born, He made sure I was born on the last day of a month so I start fresh on the first of the month with any new goal I set. Of course, that day happens to be April Fool's Day, so I can always conclude the day with a, "Haha, just kidding, I'm so funny, nice try there Hemli".

I have a feeling yoga will get me out of my funk, if nothing I now have something to think about during meditation. Tomorrow is a new day. I have a mid-week massage and facial, which I'm so glad I kept putting off because its coming at a great time. At the end of the week, I have my birthday dinner. The closer that gets, the more excited I get about being around some of my wonderful friends. That alone should be enough to help me get through my week. Today is just one of them days, don't take it personal.

We pretend to be strong....

...because we are weak. - Paulo Coelho

We all have weak moments. Those moments where you forgo that year and half diet and workout regimen for a day of vegging out to the max with every potato chip known to man kind. That moment where you want to give into your inhibitions and call or text the last guy that "broke your heart". Question is why do we do this to ourselves? We know the next time we step on the scale and see it inch closer to the right rather than the left, we'll kick ourselves for eating the oily, salted, potato wafer goodness. You'll kick yourself even harder if the guy from your past is less miserable than you. However, we all seem to put ourselves in these questionable situations.

Last night, I was guilty of the vegging out and eating every potato chip my pantry had to offer and to my dismay I gained a singular pound this morning. Granted a minor set back and its highly doubtful I won't lose it by the end of the day of detox and eating celery, carrots, hummus, and rice crisps. Am I going to blame myself if I don't fit into my birthday dress by Saturday for one day of weakness? Absolutely. Am I going to be calorie Nazi for the next seven days? Yes ma'am. Am I being really ridiculous? The answer again is yes. Am I able to justify this craziness without sounding completely superficial? Nope. I guess, it is what it is. While I feel like I have greasy skin and my cheeks are puffed out from the outrageous sodium intake, I'm still happy. Of course, I was bothered this morning, but I'm not a bad person.

The second scenario, I've been guilty of in my past. There comes a moment my hand and brain couldn't be further apart from one another. I unlock my phone, scroll to that magical name, and send that infamous, "hey what you doing", text. Once again, something I can't justify without sounding considerably crazy. This person, at one point of my life, was the reason I had a minor breakdown. Yet I seem to have a moment, where I have to wonder what he is doing. His life all of the sudden has somewhat a priority in my mind. Is he ok? What is he doing on a Saturday night at 10:30 p.m.? Why does he cross my mind, when I'm most certain until that inevitable, "message sent" pops up on my phone, he hasn't even considered a thought of me? We're all guilty of it, right? I know we are because I get that random phone call every couple of weeks from a few different handful of friends, "Hemina, I did something stupid". See, we even admit it was stupid, but that doesn't seem to stop us from doing it. Sometimes, we can blame it on the alcohol (thanks Jamie Foxx), but that doesn't change the fact we were just plain weak. My friend Deepa has a quote, "behind every strong girl is a weak one hiding from all the pain". Like Paulo Coelho says, it's actually really easy to pretend to be strong. Maybe that's because your self-dignity seems to suppress your weakness, at least in my opinion.

When is it ok to be weak though?

Memory of an elephant...

Amongst my friends, I'm often told I have the memory of an elephant. I've also been told I know the most useless information but somehow it comes in handy. When all else fails, I seem to know how to Google all the right answers to every question. I've always had an inquisitive nature, I question everything and try to dissect every answer I come across to derive the ultimate correct one. I'm usually the one that has to come up with the story for a group reception speech. I'm also the one that is texted when someone is thinking of a movie or song but can't remember the title. I have been known to Google "love" and find out why perfume is called eau du toilette. This has its advantage and disadvantage. The disadvantage is the expectations are high, and if I do happen to forget something I never live it down. The advantage of course is everyone believes me even if the memory is slightly distorted.

So why is this the subject of my post today; mainly, because I've really been thinking about the new Bradley Cooper movie, Limitless.*Invitation Alert* Who wants to go with me to go watch the movie, inquire within? The movie is essentially supposed to be about Cooper's character taking a pill, which in turn gives him the ability to use the full potential of his brain, the average human never has access to using.

How do you get your mind so balanced that you use it to its full potential? I take yoga at least twice a week and during meditation/relaxation, my mind still has trouble to come to rest and not think about anything. As the the soft notes are played in the background, I drift off into a memory or make up a magical scenario to make me calm. I always thought the whole point of meditation was to think of nothing, but how is that even remotely possible? They say to concentrate on the way you breathe, or imagine a flame and just concentrate on the way it blows in the wind. Both of these strategies pose as a problem for me. When I start to think about my breathing, I begin to think of my body as a whole and the physiology behind it, which obviously takes a lot of thought. When I think about the flame, the Hindu in me, makes me start thinking about a devo and I begin to recite the Gayatri Mantra in my head. There is clearly nothing wrong with praying as a form of meditation, but why is it so hard for a mind to come to complete rest?

Monday, during yoga's meditation period, I started thinking about the horizon of a beach. Of course, that scenario didn't bring my mind to rest either. I began to think about a book I read my junior year in high school called The Awakening. *Spoiler Alert* At the end of the book, the main character becomes one with the ocean and walks into the horizon as she meets her final awakening. This thought made me start having thoughts of death (the inevitability not suicidal). Once again the Hindu in me becomes more alert, as I start think about some verses in The Bagwhad Gita. I don't like preaching, especially when I'm still in the process of trying to understand my own religion, a twenty-five year old process. However, in the second chapter Krishna explains how we shouldn't mourn death because the soul is simply deposing of the body much like we shed our clothes everyday. I've tried really hard to grasp this thought, but telling someone not to grieve is like telling someone to make their mind rest and become free of thought. Since Monday, it seems to consume more of my thoughts. Two summers ago, I met my Guru Didi Ji and she also tried to explain it to me. I still have a hard time not having some significant people in my life, that I have lost, cross my mind. She actually told me that when I begin to think of these people, to meditate and free my mind of thoughts. As I mentioned earlier, that is already one of my problems.

I love the fact I have a great memory, but it seems to always keep me thinking about something. I can't seem to ever escape my thoughts. Also makes it really hard to let go of things I want to forget; or pretend things are ok, when I keep thinking about what went wrong. That's why I usually try to be easy going about things instead of dwell on things that are out of my control. Its still hard for the impatient Aries to become patient, moreover forget about things. This is all part of the journey to self realization, I suppose. I yield advice from my favorite Atliens, OutKast, when I say, "don't act impatiently, you'll get where you need to be, in due time".

Corn in the bags!

Yesterday, I spent some time with my sister Courtney. We had some drinks and  played cornhole. It was a great time just joking around and spending time with the hubby-to-be, hers not mine (LOL). My major epiphany of the day was that there were kernels of corn in the bags, which were then thrown in the hole....OH, CORNHOLE *light bulb*.

My birthday is right around the corner and for once, I'm not planning a single thing! Uma generously offered to plan everything and all I have to do is show up and be pretty. The only thing missing in that equation is the outfit, I'm determined to wear these brown shoes that I bought close to 2 years ago. The shoes have orange flowers and teal paisleys. These shoes need to be worn and suggestions are welcomed!

I was so amazed when Uma asked if I want her to plan for me. I realized that I've never had someone do that for me, nor have I really ever trusted anyone to do the planning. If there is one time of the year that I'm the pure definition of a brat, its my birthday. What can I say? I really love myself, and love any reason to celebrate *insert eye roll of disgust here*.

As twenty-six approaches, I find myself at the greatest health ever, happiest I've been in a while, and single. Once upon a time, I thought I needed a guy for validation, but for once I'm content just where I am. I've noticed I don't ever want to settle. Back in January, things amiably ended with, in my opinion, a rather good, decent guy. Before the night ended, he looked me square in the eyes and told me to realize my self worth and never settle because I am a great girl. Usually, I take these words in vain, especially considering the source, but even if he was lying he wasn't speaking far from the truth. I really don't give myself enough credit and that moment of self realization was a long time coming. Who would have thought, that the end of something, would in turn be the beginning of me? The last month or so I decided to finally just concentrate on myself. I haven't really been getting asked out and as I look through my phone most of my text messages seem to be from my nineteen year old cousin in New Jersey. These moments I'm by myself and given some real time to think, I start to dissect my past and make of list of little things I can improve. For example, I'm very intolerant to ignorance, which sometimes isn't really the person's fault, especially if they just haven't been educated in the particular topic. Among other things, I'm starting to realize that sometimes its easier to just change your ways, rather than try to dig deep and be nit picky about everything. So what's the difference between compromising and settling? Please comment below. 

At the beginning of this month, I was sent to New Jersey for my cousin's Sweet Sixteen. I was filled with mixed emotions about going because there had been a disconnect between myself and my family for quite some time, seven years to be exact. Of course, my parents don't suggest me go many places without some kind of ulterior motive. What could that be you ask? Well I'm about to turn twenty-six and still single, you do that math *insert your own light bulb moment here*. Instead of coming back with a love match, I came back home with a new profound relationship with my cousins. My favorite of them all of course is my niece, Diya, I just can't resist the girl. She brings the biggest smile on my face and I see my personality in her entire being, which of course I love even more, a little mini-me in the making. The eldest cousin Ravi, still being six years my junior, being the closest to me and even though he didn't even know I was his cousin, we seemed to not miss a beat. I remember when he was a kid he was a terror squad in one little body and I was actually nervous to see his growth in my absence. I'll put it out there, he did fine for himself and I'm happy in a short week or so we have gotten closer and the loyalty is understood between us both. How can I forget our princess for the weekend though? The last time I saw Anisha was seven years ago at another cousin's wedding and she was nothing less of a brat back in the day. I say that, but I can't even remember what situation made me define her as a brat, but I dismiss it since she was only nine years old. Now she's grown up and seems to be doing well for herself. Now that I've reconnected with her, I plan on checking up on her and taking her under my wing to make her into the mature, wonderful lady she should be. This week, I've pretty much been in withdrawal, and to think I only spent a little over forty-eight hours with these people. Every moment I spare a minute, I text my cousin and I'm reminded daily by Anisha how much I'm missed, which is completely reciprocated. During our time together, we all slept on the couch together and talked until the hours of the morning, watching Hindi movies. I'm pretty much missing my family more than ever right now *nostalgic moment*.

I took the time and read my horoscope last night. Usually, I don't really listen, but even in my skepticism I'm excited about what is in store for the next couple weeks as the month comes to an end. At the end of the day, I know it'll end with a bang, after all the last day of the month is my BIRTHDAY! Anyway talk to everyone soon!

That was easy!

Who doesn't love Staples? Well, I should mention this isn't about the Staples you're thinking. I'm talking about my 10th grade English teacher turned theater director during my junior and senior year, Mrs. Kimberly Staples. So this is going to be a dedication post to one of the most incredible people I know. She was just recently inducted into the Georgia Thespian Hall of Fame. I seriously can't think of anyone more deserving.

It was the first day of my sophomore year and I found a new name on my schedule. The last class of the day was going to be English with some lady named Kimberly Staples. I'm not going to lie, I wasn't exactly excited that I had the new teacher in the system. In high school, I'll admit I was basically a legacy and my brother had broken in every teacher before I got there, which made my days in classes so much more easy. All I could think was, "great, I'm going to have to break this one in myself". She seemed stern and it didn't help I hated English. The semester passed and there were days I just wasn't very fond of the class and I was having trouble warming up to my new teacher. After winter break, most of the sophomore class was about to start reading Shakespeare's Julius Caesar. At Buford High School, this meant only one thing, having to memorize Marc Antony's eulogy for Julius Caesar that resulted in the Roman revolt. Every sophomore dreads it and hates it. I personally wasn't looking forward to it, but heeding my brother's warning, I read over it during my winter break (overachiever). To my surprise, Mrs. Staples throws us a curve ball, she asked us to write a modern day version of the speech in the point of view of the person of our choice. I played the air head role in high school pretty well (still do) so I chose to write my speech in the point of view of a homecoming queen. I think this assignment alone changed my view of my new teacher in general as well. I was finally warming up to her and I started feeling more comfortable with her as well. At the end of the year we read the play Our Town out loud. I thought it was odd but I didn't mind because it was just reading and there wasn't really any assignments outside of class. She gave me the role of Emily and it wasn't until half way through the play I realized what the role entailed. Like usual I was in a state of oblivion and didn't even realize that Emily was a principle character in the play. Oddly, it was this part of the class that made me want to audition for the One Act Play the following year.

To this day, I still don't know how this lady was able to suck me in, but I'm just glad she did. She turned the math geek into someone who was actually interested in performing arts as well as literature in general (I mean really I have a blog). I decided the day of auditions that I wanted to try out. During break, I went to Mrs. Staples and asked to borrow the script for Our Town. I had decided that I was going to take the easy road and audition with Emily's final goodbye. I spent the next five hours memorizing the piece in time for my audition and I, of course, stumbled on every line and butchered the entire monologue. I figured, I would the very least be a stage hand at this point. When the roles were posted, I was astonished to find out not only did I have a part, I actually had a line! The play chosen that year for One Act was Shakespeare's Taming of the Shrew and we even placed second in the State Competition. It was a great time, I made great friends and really saw a different side this woman I had at one point been afraid of. In a short few months, Mrs. Staples had turned me into, dare I say it, a theater geek. At the end of the year, I was inducted into the Thespian Society and I had one more thing to add to my college applications. However, for once I didn't care about some college application or having one more picture in the yearbook in the clubs and activities section, I really was falling in love with being on the stage.

For my senior year, I signed up for musical theater. This class alone changed my entire outlook of my final year at Buford High School. After I got accepted to my top choices, I checked out of my senior year and was ready to graduate, too bad I still had seven more months of tolerating the craziness. Mrs. Staples had chosen the musical theater class for One Act Play that year and the musical in question was Chicago. I was the character June, a merry murderess who was ditzy and in a constant state of oblivion (no typecasting there, huh). My voice was fairly hidden within the chorus, I didn't have much rhythm, had probably one of the funniest monologues, and played air head a little too well. Once again, one of the best experiences of my life. Even now thinking back at the moment on stage, I choke up slightly.

The second musical for the year was Stud Terkel's Working. This musical had a cast that outnumbered the number of people in the class, so we were given multiple part. To my surprise, I was given a lengthy monologue, along with my first solo (sang in Spanish, mind you). I remember being really confused when she gave me the part of your typical secretary working with a "boss that was Satan". She had a long monologue and I had yet to harness my talent in acting. I was good at the singing part, but that about covered it; leaving me to only be a threat and not a triple threat like the rest of the class. It wasn't until my classmate/friend Miles reminded me of my one little line in Taming of the Shrew, I realized I had come so far. I never expected to grow talent wise in theater, I just needed to find something to do to fill up my college application's extracurricular activities section. The role that gave me my solo, was nothing short of typecasting...LOL. I played a Spanish immigrant working at a grocery store. The solo was entirely in Spanish and sang in first soprano which I had been avoiding for a long time. The experience of singing that song still resonates in my memory and still seems overwhelming. I remember being sick about a week before dress rehearsals and somehow my voice tapped into muscle memory to help me sing it. At the end of the year, during Awards Day, when Mrs. Staples presented the Musical Theater Award, I had no expectations. I was one of four seniors, two of them played principle characters in the fall musical, I figured I was far from the running. One of the seniors, Miles, was absolutely amazing and I was sure she would give it to him for being such an outstanding/improving actor for three straight years. She begins to describe the person -- "This young lady has been a pleasure to have in class. Someone told me she had the voice of Charlotte Church...". I jumped to the conclusion that it was the other senior girl that played Roxie during Chicago, she was a principle and had a strong voice. I looked at my friend Danielle and just said "I knew it". Then out of nowhere I hear my name. I looked at Danielle again, "um, I didn't know that".

I look back and realize today I didn't need my brother to break this one in. She has the heart of gold and in my eyes probably superwoman. This woman can direct four different plays at once, judge competitions, be the State Student Officer liaison for the Georgia Thespian Society, the sound lady for the choral department, teacher, wife, mother, and friend. You have to wonder when the woman breaths, let alone sleep and eat. Once again I whine in the morning when I've been exposed to the Energizer bunny in the form of a talented, classy, sincere, honest (brutally), warm woman. I'm so lucky to have such a wonderful influence and mentor in my life. I hope everyone has someone so amazing in their life.

Just because....?

One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving. - Paulo Coelho

LOL, I would start my post-Valentine's Day entry with a quote like that by Paulo Coelho, wouldn't I? I know I have this problem. Maybe I just want constant reassurance, but when I'm in a relationship I always ask, "why do you love me"? More recently, I would ask, "why am I so special". For some reason, I never accept the answer "just because". I don't find validity in that answer at all. I feel like the next girl that walks by could be the girl you love, "just because". Perhaps, Coelho is right though, maybe there is no reasoning in why someone loves, maybe it is "just because".

Some three years ago I received an email about how Valentine's Day was all thanks to the Gujarati women of India. Of course, considering the source, I love this story and embrace it, not to mention I found it really humorous. The tale goes:

On February 14, the women of Gujarat would ceremoniously beat up their husbands with velans. A velan is the rolling pin used to make rotlis, parathas, etc. Soon the Gujarati men realized that in order to avoid this ordeal they needed to present gifts to their wives. Hence, the tradition began that the day was called "velan-time" day.

I've been told I love with no limits. My friend Kamilah once told me that even if I happen to be with someone sub par, I put them on the highest pedastool. As an Aries, I pretty much refuse to admit I might have possibly chose someone less than exceptional because that's like I'm almost admitting that, Bhagwan forbid, I was WRONG! I never used to be one of those girls that listened to the whole horoscope thing, but after an astrology class and a lot of nights surfing the web, I realized it's not entirely off. I was reading the "Love and Compatibility" article for Aries. After reading the entire article, I found myself thinking about my past relationships. I realized a lot that my impatience did come from a weakness in the character of my significant other. When I say weakness, I'm referring to the inability to be secure with the relationship and/or the fact I can't be molded from a clay cup to clay vase. An Aries is stubborn, there is really no way around that. The article states, "By being more tolerant, Aries subjects can find greater happiness." This might be true, but something significant has to happen to said Aries for him or her to become tolerant. I think my tolerance came from the moment I decided to become selfish for once instead of caring so much about everyone around me. Aries love deeply, but they don't wear their heart on their sleeves. How does an Aries ever really truly love then? When I departed from these cares, I realized loving and caring was a lot easier, but only if it was the right person. Oxymoron of the day: Patient Aries.
 
Today, in the mail I got the sweetest Valentine card from my friend Harita. The card itself was funny but then she, of course, wrote a sweet message to sum up our friendship. Then I stop and remember, I love my friends. You must be wondering how I spent my Valentine's Day (maybe not, I'm going to tell you anyway). Well, 7:00 in the morning I woke up to work out. I'm going to New York the first weekend of March and will be seeing people I have seen in years. Has modesty completely escaped me and I want to look amazing when I see everyone? The answer is yes! Do I hope to bump into people/family members that were discouraging in my past? The answer to that question is also yes. After spending about 2 hours at the gym, I came back home and put in a day's work, after all it was still a Monday. Eventually, I received a phone call from my childhood best friend, Sonal. She asked if I would come to her new house to help her organize her kitchen. I love kitchens and have been dying to see her new house so, of course, I jumped at the opportunity. How could I say no? Why would I want to say no? Sonal has been my friend for close to 20 years now and I can only remember on two or three occasions we've gotten into an argument, lasting no longer than 48 hours. I went over and we washed all the dishes, put them all away, decided on chairs for the breakfast table, and mapped out how couch would look in the living room. What a fun way to spend a Valentine's, right? Yes, actually it was great because it wasn't until her husband walked in, plus McDonald's cookies sans roses and box of chocolate, I even remembered it was Valentine's. The loneliness I was dreading yesterday not once even crossed my mind. I'm reminded once again, I love my friends and I equally appreciate their significant others (my friend-in-laws...lol).

I hope everyone had a great *Velan*time Day. When you are loved its okay to just be loved, no reasoning behind it, it's "just because". I guess in light of that, maybe we should just do something "just because", not because we're trying to escape our annual velan beating...LOL. :)

Say all the ridiculous things you want to say....

....because eventually one of those ridiculous things will be the answer to your life. My friend Kamilah says that's one of the major rules in life.

Well today I say, "Gucci's Guilty makes me want to lick the sky." Well that's clearly not the answer to my life, but the more I inhale it, the more I seem to drift away into oblivion of what's really going on around me.

Pandora decided to play a bad joke on me today. Good music has been known to make me cry but today was just a hot mess. Every song made me stop what I was doing, look up the lyrics, dissect every line, and apply it to someone or something in my life. That's rude Pandora, no one likes when you do things like that. For once, I almost wish Ke$ha chimed in with "We are who we are" (um...ALMOST).

First she (yes, I've decided to personify Pandora and make it a woman) decided to play "What's a man to do," by Usher. Well the problem with that song would be the fact that some people come into my life at the wrong time and later decide they want to revisit their past. I've come to terms with this because usually the day before and day of I feel a knot in my stomach telling me, "something isn't right" (woman's intuition perhaps?). It always ends the same, "Hemina you're amazing, but I need to see if this will work out with *insert name*." Of course, I close my eyes for a second and with a calm face I reply, "Its okay, I understand, I wish you all the best and I hope it works out with *insert name*, you deserve the best. I'll walk away because I don't want to be a catalyst in anything that could happen in your future with *insert name*." Today as I listened to this Usher song, which usually I never listen to when shuffled on my mp3 player, I listened to the lyrics and I felt like I was back in the same vicinity of the men in my past. To this day, I can never hate these guys (yes, plural, its happened a few times). How can I hate a man for being honest? How can I hold a grudge because they're man enough to recognize they really do care about someone, that somebody is just not me? Who am I, to make him feel bad? Who am I, to stand in the way of their happiness? What would I get out of yelling and shouting? Most of the time, the guy has spent enough time beating himself up about it and I just don't want to make it any worse. However, for some reason my reaction to the situation is rare to the guy. Last time this happened, the guy pretty much begged me to hit him or something and I just smiled and told him, "No, I'll be okay." Later he told me he wish I would just hate him because it would be easier for HIM to move on. Finally I hear the truth, a clean break is hard for most people to fathom. It takes a lot for me to hate someone. Does everyone expect a dramatic, long winded, back and forth break? I told a friend today if break ups were fun there would be no such thing as true companionship that leads to marriage. He just responded with something along the lines that he knows just it really sucks. Courtney tells me I have the patience of a mule and she would be right. They say patience is a virtue, so I'm not saying what I do is right, it just happens to be by definition. Usher you asked, "what's a man to do," a man needs to always be honest. However, remember this -- if you backtrack, don't expect someone to be so receptive and you can be sure they will be rather guarded the second time around.

After dissecting that song, which in turn made me phase out the next 3-4 songs, the next song that caught my attention was Janet Jackson's "That's the way love goes." Talk about nostalgia at its finest. That bought me back to 3rd grade, it was after winter break and Melissa Bowers had gotten the record's cassette tape and a new walkman for Christmas. She walked into class, she pulled it out during recess, and we listen to the song over and over again. I'm pretty sure the two of us didn't really understand the sexual innuendos that were introduced but no less the soft trance of the beat and her sensual voice made us not really care. We were instantly sucked in and knew it was just a good song. I didn't realize it at the time, but to this day, that song will always and perhaps forever bring the biggest smile to my face. I remember the simplicity of my life back then and how much I took it for granted. I'm sure we all did, you only realize how wonderful your childhood was when its gone. I would do anything to go back to those days. Back in those days, my crushes lasted as long as the class I was in and over by the time I got home. Pandora was nice when she gave me that song.

The next song that was played was "I don't wanna" by Aaliyah. Does anyone else's heart cry a little when they hear an Aaliyah song? Let me go off on a tangent -- I remember exactly where I was when I found out she passed. I was working at Limited Too (now called Justice), when my co-worker Ashley walked in and made the announcement that Aaliyah had just been in the plane crash and DOA. I had started working my sophomore year in high school. My parents never allowed me to try-out for the cheerleading squad and they weren't a big fan of my colorguard days either. The only way I could get out of my house and also my parents approved seemed to be, find a job. Not only had I found a solution, I was making MONEY! It did suck I missed out on most of the football games and I couldn't really do the whole drama thing (theater drama not the he said, she said drama) but it was definitely worth it. My sophomore year, I ran cross country and worked on the weekends. It kept me out of trouble and equally kept me out of the social scene. I would have cross country practice during the week, work 4-10 on Fridays, I would have a meet on Saturdays in the mornings, immediately following the meets I had work 4-10, and Sundays I was the lucky one that got to work 11-7. That totaled out to 8-10 hours of practice, meets on Saturday, 20 hours of work, and 40 hours of just regular school a week. I somehow still go 6-8 hours of sleep a night and had 4 hours to spare for t.v. (pre-DVR days mind you) and homework. It's amazing how much I did back then and now I struggle just to go to the gym 5 hours a week. Clearly, I need to tap into my 16 year old self and stop complaining every morning how much I have to do. I know I just went into a major tangent (it was kind of relevant), but as far as the actual song goes, that brought in another memory all together. I remember the first time I heard that song. I was in 9th grade and on the bus coming back from a marching band competition (I was in colorguard back in the day). I remember I had a crush that year and I immediately related the song to him. Today, as I heard that song, I forget the name of my 9th grade crush, but I reference someone else in my head with that song. My attitude becomes somber and I get a slight grin filled with a little sadness. Funny how I think someone is out of my head and a song reminds me only of them. Even within the sadness of the lyrics, I seem to smile at the simple thought of this person. I'm still a little confused why this person came into mind, well slightly. I guess the song in general makes me think of high school, I met this person in high school, so in turn I think of this person in relation to this song...perhaps? To this day, I've never been able to tell this person how I really feel because I'm scared of ever tarnishing the friendship. The memory of this person is bitter sweet, well played again Pandora (pun definitely intended).

So after this crazy emotional ride, I decided to just change the station to Bollywood in hopes that I wouldn't have to think anymore. Oh no no, Pandora decided to open her box yet again! She plays Tumko Bhi from Kahbi Alvida Na Kehna. For those who don't know Hindi, kahbi alvida na kehna roughly translated means to "never say goodbye". The song is essentially talking about how two people who know they can't be together but don't ever want to say goodbye. You always have a glimmer of hope that it never comes to a final goodbye, but eventually its always best to walk away. Its always hard, always very emotional, and you always wonder if that person will ever come back. In the book Eleven Minutes, Paulo Coelho wrote, "I've learned that waiting is the most difficult bit, and I want to get used to the feeling, knowing that you're with me, even when you're not by my side." Well in light of that quote and conjunction of another famous Bollywood movie, I reference Shahrukh Khan. In Diwali Dulhania Le Jayenge he says something along the lines that habit becomes necessity. Well we can only hope that's the case in this situation. You only hope that the wait is so long, that the feeling becomes a habit, and finally it's only necessary to not have that person by your side and be free from it all. This makes more sense in my head, I promise. The sad reality is you eventually and inevitably have to say goodbye, whether its by the hands of Bhagwan or prematurely for whatever reason, it happens. My advice (take it with a grain of salt) just stay prepared that goodbye can be whenever and unfortunately, usually out of your hands.

Well thanks Pandora for the great trip down memory lane and the emotional roller coaster but I think I might just make my own playlist on my mp3 player until I can emotionally handle your random song turbulence. I think i might need to pull out the DJ Earworm and DJ Encore so I can have mental private dance parties (unless I am in an environment where I can act on it, of course).

R.I.P. to the girl you used to see....

...her days are over. I'm ready for you....2011!

New year's eve I went to the Hyatt party with Uma and Hitesh (my pseudo-parents) and it was a debutante for me of some sorts. People hadn't really seen me in a while because I went into hiatus this past year, so I'm sure my new physique was nothing less of a shocker. I walked in with a tight, short coral dress, something I would have never dreamed of wearing circa October 2009 (45+lbs heavier). I found it interesting how much attention I received soon after. Some people admitting they always wanted to ask me out, but never had the guts (I find that hard to believe). Some saying that they were waiting for me to be single (that one I understand). I know no one is going to say, "Hey, listen I'm asking you out because I always thought you were sweet and cute, but honestly you were slightly too thick for my liking." I still have to wonder though, is all this attention thanks to a tight, short coral dress that my best friend Lisa sent after a fitting room meltdown? Also, how do I decipher who is real and who is not. Thanks to friendly reminders via parents, relatives, and friend's wedding invitations and proposals, I should start looking for a significant other for life. However, I can't help but want to feast on this moment. I've never received this attention and I almost want the opportunity to date, but that just doesn't seem practical anymore. I'm reminded of a quote from Eleven Minutes by Paulo Coelho.

The power of beauty: what must the world be like for ugly women? She had some girlfriends who no one ever noticed at parties or who men were never interested in. Incredible though it might seem, these girls place far great value on the little love they received, suffered in silence when they were rejected, and tried to face the future by looking for other things beyond getting all dressed up for someone else. They were more independent, took more interest in themselves, although, in Maria's imaginations, the world for them must seem unbearable.

I don't know about unbearable, but the word disappointing comes to mind. I'm not saying I was ugly or anything but being slight chunky had an effect on my total confidence and in general made me slightly closed off. I've always been eccentric and social, but after being rejected here and there, I stopped making efforts towards the opposite sex. It was actually endearing when someone told me recently, "I loved that you talked to me like you had known me for years, even though you had no idea who I was...that shows confidence." I never realized holding a conversation exuded confidence, but I'm glad it did because it got me asked out on a date...LOL. I understand the rest though. I was that girl back in the day. I used to dissect every glance, smile, conversation I had with a guy in the hopes of trying to see if he was even remotely interested in me. Also, I put myself on the line so many times and every time I got rejected my world was shattered. I want to say that's what has built this tough skin I have. In a sense, I am more independent; and after a severe physical transformation, because I took the time to just be interested in myself, I'm happier and comfortable in my own skin. Girls like Maria never really graduate into real life and only find comfort in a irrelevant period in life i.e. high school, when cheerleaders ruled the world. Like I said, 2011 I'm ready for you.

January is coming to an end and 2011 has been interesting to say the least. Without going into details and putting my life on complete blast, it has been an amazing month and I'm sad that's its coming to an end. I think I learned more about myself in this one month than ever before.

Lesson 1 -- never be afraid to open up to someone. I know what everyone is thinking, you have to keep your guard up, be mysterious. Well, I'm sorry, if its beyond your character at the end of the day you're just making a fool of yourself. People who are mysterious have a coquettish quality to begin with. You can't become a coquette, that's a trait that is instilled when you start exploring the art of seduction.

Which brings me to lesson 2 -- attraction isn't entirely about seduction, its in as something simple as a smile. Seduction is about what instantly attracts you to someone and 80% of the time it seems to be something completely non-verbal (a glance, a smile, etc.). After everything is said and done, with or without 45lbs, one compliment that never gets old for me is, "Hemina, I love your smile." I'm British born (stereotype) and never had braces, It's seriously the nicest thing someone can say to me. Someone recently admitted he's been attracted to me because of my smile since the day he met me at my gym. He never wanted to ask me out because I had a boyfriend and soon after he had a girlfriend. What's funnier is, something about his confidence and physique was also rather attractive from the day I met him, so imagine my surprise to hear that the attraction was reciprocated.

Anyway I digress, lesson 3 -- once you're treated like a princess, you better not ever settle for less. You'll simply never be satisfied, if you're treated any differently. I'm not talking about the old days of chivalry (let's face it, its dead), but I'm talking about that attention you get when someone really likes and cares for you. If he's not calling, trying to make time for you, and playing that silly "hard to get" game then to be honest he's not worth it. I know it's easy to say and write the guy off as a douche when you're giving the advice, but honestly this past month I learned I deserve a text here and there and a phone call to say "goodnight". If the guy, who is supposedly into you, can't do that much, something is wrong.

This next one is for the fellas, lesson 4 -- ladies, you can and should buy your date a drink after the first date. If you sit and talk about how much a guy doesn't respect you and you counteract that with, "I'm really independent", the only remedy is to buy the guy a drink. He will respect you, furthermore you'll prove your independence...just saying. Unless you are a student and/or do not have a steady flow of income, you should drop the 15-20 bucks for a couple of beers.

Lesson 5 -- never seek advice from those who don't have their act together. I refer to my favorite author, Paulo Coelho, "(Don’t) listen to the malicious comments of those friends who, never taking any risks themselves, can only see other people’s failures." I think with my heart about 90% of the time and only 40% of the time has it really got me in trouble. When I say trouble though I'm referring to emotional despair, that I still deal with on my own terms. My two best friends tell me I sugar-coat everything, but on the flip side I seem to deal with breakups and breakdowns without drawing too much attention to myself and staying classy. Uma best explained it, she said that its because I seem to work out every angle possible before making an ultimate decision and that's why its easier for me to walk away. Most people break-up at the drop of every issue and play that back and forth game with each other, me being the non-confrontational person I am, I work on it as much as possible without being too public about it and find every solution. When you put that much effort into something and see no results, you have no choice but to walk away. However, does this mean I have my act together or not, and should you be listening considering I told you not to in lesson 5? I seek advice from a handful of people, and of that handful I only really listen to 1 or 2. I do ask those people who don't have their act together and usually do the opposite, that definitely works in my favor.

Last but not least, lesson 6 -- I'm from a different breed. As Uma loves to point out when I'm in complete shambles, I'm not like most girls. I wake up and do puja every morning. I kiss my mother on the cheek and utter "Jai Shri Krishna" before leaving a room. I'm feel the most beautiful in sweats and no makeup, but for some reason that doesn't stop me from mastering the art of makeup. I love cooking and want to master Gujarati cooking, for that matter never lose touch with my culture. The attention I receive, I want it to be for positive efforts, and not plaster my Facebook with "FML" moments that really shouldn't be so exposed for the mere attraction and pity that is received (if you're a good enough friend you know what I'm going through and they're really the only people that should know, not the other 890 friends on my list). When I am upset and just want to put it out there, usually its in the form of a witty quote (usually by Paulo Coelho) or a YouTube link to a relevant song. By the way, I recently posted a "Before & After" picture and someone told me that its not really modest to do something like that. My very public reply to this person is the following: "Your jealousy is thoroughly noted and not appreciated; however, you're right it isn't very modest, but on the other hand I wasn't trying to be. I'm very proud and I'm actually feasting on the fact that people are calling me 'gorgeous' rather than 'cute' for once." For many years I played the liaison, "Yo, Hemina can you hook me up with your girl." Finally, its my turn and I'm running with it. In conclusion for this month, be yourself, be confident, and be happy. Oh yeah, and don't whine unless you're willing to fix it too.

As February approaches, I welcomed my parents back. They left for India and I missed them a lot. Of course, I'm happy to add to my wardrobe and have some snacks I crave. This trip was different for them, I must say. This trip signified the end of era of a sort (I can't really go into detail). Basically, at the end of the day I'm a firm believer that the truth will always prevail and my family (as in me, my father, mother, and brother) will always have each other. I don't know what I would do without my parents and brother, and the thought crossed my mind more than ever this past month. Verdict is still out but I do know at the end of the day, I love them now and forever. I'm interested to see what will happen, and I hope that I'm strong to get through it all.