....because eventually one of those ridiculous things will be the answer to your life. My friend Kamilah says that's one of the major rules in life.
Well today I say, "Gucci's Guilty makes me want to lick the sky." Well that's clearly not the answer to my life, but the more I inhale it, the more I seem to drift away into oblivion of what's really going on around me.
Pandora decided to play a bad joke on me today. Good music has been known to make me cry but today was just a hot mess. Every song made me stop what I was doing, look up the lyrics, dissect every line, and apply it to someone or something in my life. That's rude Pandora, no one likes when you do things like that. For once, I almost wish Ke$ha chimed in with "We are who we are" (um...ALMOST).
First she (yes, I've decided to personify Pandora and make it a woman) decided to play "What's a man to do," by Usher. Well the problem with that song would be the fact that some people come into my life at the wrong time and later decide they want to revisit their past. I've come to terms with this because usually the day before and day of I feel a knot in my stomach telling me, "something isn't right" (woman's intuition perhaps?). It always ends the same, "Hemina you're amazing, but I need to see if this will work out with *insert name*." Of course, I close my eyes for a second and with a calm face I reply, "Its okay, I understand, I wish you all the best and I hope it works out with *insert name*, you deserve the best. I'll walk away because I don't want to be a catalyst in anything that could happen in your future with *insert name*." Today as I listened to this Usher song, which usually I never listen to when shuffled on my mp3 player, I listened to the lyrics and I felt like I was back in the same vicinity of the men in my past. To this day, I can never hate these guys (yes, plural, its happened a few times). How can I hate a man for being honest? How can I hold a grudge because they're man enough to recognize they really do care about someone, that somebody is just not me? Who am I, to make him feel bad? Who am I, to stand in the way of their happiness? What would I get out of yelling and shouting? Most of the time, the guy has spent enough time beating himself up about it and I just don't want to make it any worse. However, for some reason my reaction to the situation is rare to the guy. Last time this happened, the guy pretty much begged me to hit him or something and I just smiled and told him, "No, I'll be okay." Later he told me he wish I would just hate him because it would be easier for HIM to move on. Finally I hear the truth, a clean break is hard for most people to fathom. It takes a lot for me to hate someone. Does everyone expect a dramatic, long winded, back and forth break? I told a friend today if break ups were fun there would be no such thing as true companionship that leads to marriage. He just responded with something along the lines that he knows just it really sucks. Courtney tells me I have the patience of a mule and she would be right. They say patience is a virtue, so I'm not saying what I do is right, it just happens to be by definition. Usher you asked, "what's a man to do," a man needs to always be honest. However, remember this -- if you backtrack, don't expect someone to be so receptive and you can be sure they will be rather guarded the second time around.
After dissecting that song, which in turn made me phase out the next 3-4 songs, the next song that caught my attention was Janet Jackson's "That's the way love goes." Talk about nostalgia at its finest. That bought me back to 3rd grade, it was after winter break and Melissa Bowers had gotten the record's cassette tape and a new walkman for Christmas. She walked into class, she pulled it out during recess, and we listen to the song over and over again. I'm pretty sure the two of us didn't really understand the sexual innuendos that were introduced but no less the soft trance of the beat and her sensual voice made us not really care. We were instantly sucked in and knew it was just a good song. I didn't realize it at the time, but to this day, that song will always and perhaps forever bring the biggest smile to my face. I remember the simplicity of my life back then and how much I took it for granted. I'm sure we all did, you only realize how wonderful your childhood was when its gone. I would do anything to go back to those days. Back in those days, my crushes lasted as long as the class I was in and over by the time I got home. Pandora was nice when she gave me that song.
The next song that was played was "I don't wanna" by Aaliyah. Does anyone else's heart cry a little when they hear an Aaliyah song? Let me go off on a tangent -- I remember exactly where I was when I found out she passed. I was working at Limited Too (now called Justice), when my co-worker Ashley walked in and made the announcement that Aaliyah had just been in the plane crash and DOA. I had started working my sophomore year in high school. My parents never allowed me to try-out for the cheerleading squad and they weren't a big fan of my colorguard days either. The only way I could get out of my house and also my parents approved seemed to be, find a job. Not only had I found a solution, I was making MONEY! It did suck I missed out on most of the football games and I couldn't really do the whole drama thing (theater drama not the he said, she said drama) but it was definitely worth it. My sophomore year, I ran cross country and worked on the weekends. It kept me out of trouble and equally kept me out of the social scene. I would have cross country practice during the week, work 4-10 on Fridays, I would have a meet on Saturdays in the mornings, immediately following the meets I had work 4-10, and Sundays I was the lucky one that got to work 11-7. That totaled out to 8-10 hours of practice, meets on Saturday, 20 hours of work, and 40 hours of just regular school a week. I somehow still go 6-8 hours of sleep a night and had 4 hours to spare for t.v. (pre-DVR days mind you) and homework. It's amazing how much I did back then and now I struggle just to go to the gym 5 hours a week. Clearly, I need to tap into my 16 year old self and stop complaining every morning how much I have to do. I know I just went into a major tangent (it was kind of relevant), but as far as the actual song goes, that brought in another memory all together. I remember the first time I heard that song. I was in 9th grade and on the bus coming back from a marching band competition (I was in colorguard back in the day). I remember I had a crush that year and I immediately related the song to him. Today, as I heard that song, I forget the name of my 9th grade crush, but I reference someone else in my head with that song. My attitude becomes somber and I get a slight grin filled with a little sadness. Funny how I think someone is out of my head and a song reminds me only of them. Even within the sadness of the lyrics, I seem to smile at the simple thought of this person. I'm still a little confused why this person came into mind, well slightly. I guess the song in general makes me think of high school, I met this person in high school, so in turn I think of this person in relation to this song...perhaps? To this day, I've never been able to tell this person how I really feel because I'm scared of ever tarnishing the friendship. The memory of this person is bitter sweet, well played again Pandora (pun definitely intended).
So after this crazy emotional ride, I decided to just change the station to Bollywood in hopes that I wouldn't have to think anymore. Oh no no, Pandora decided to open her box yet again! She plays Tumko Bhi from Kahbi Alvida Na Kehna. For those who don't know Hindi, kahbi alvida na kehna roughly translated means to "never say goodbye". The song is essentially talking about how two people who know they can't be together but don't ever want to say goodbye. You always have a glimmer of hope that it never comes to a final goodbye, but eventually its always best to walk away. Its always hard, always very emotional, and you always wonder if that person will ever come back. In the book Eleven Minutes, Paulo Coelho wrote, "I've learned that waiting is the most difficult bit, and I want to get used to the feeling, knowing that you're with me, even when you're not by my side." Well in light of that quote and conjunction of another famous Bollywood movie, I reference Shahrukh Khan. In Diwali Dulhania Le Jayenge he says something along the lines that habit becomes necessity. Well we can only hope that's the case in this situation. You only hope that the wait is so long, that the feeling becomes a habit, and finally it's only necessary to not have that person by your side and be free from it all. This makes more sense in my head, I promise. The sad reality is you eventually and inevitably have to say goodbye, whether its by the hands of Bhagwan or prematurely for whatever reason, it happens. My advice (take it with a grain of salt) just stay prepared that goodbye can be whenever and unfortunately, usually out of your hands.
Well thanks Pandora for the great trip down memory lane and the emotional roller coaster but I think I might just make my own playlist on my mp3 player until I can emotionally handle your random song turbulence. I think i might need to pull out the DJ Earworm and DJ Encore so I can have mental private dance parties (unless I am in an environment where I can act on it, of course).
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