I'm in no rush!

All my close friends are happily married or engaged. Most girls would have a moment where they would honestly think, "what's wrong with me". Well after some thought, nothing is wrong with me. Yes, I'm flawed, and far from perfect. However, I'm educated, I cook, I clean, I workout, I'm a proud Gujarati, I'm a devote Hindu, I have family values, and I have morals. I'm not saying that something is wrong with every guy I've dated either; the timing just seemed to be off and I'm never in any mood to go revisit my past (I simply don't believe in it). I can honestly say I'm in no rush to get married. If you know me, I've conjured up my perfect wedding, and in my head I want it to be old school. I have an old heart and I want to walk down to a song perhaps circa 1961 but no later than maybe 1996 (even that's pushing it). I want to follow the old traditions to a tee, and I even plan on wearing my mother's old wedding sari. Yes, I've thought of it a lot, but I really don't wish to be married anytime soon.

I guess to clarify what I'm feeling, I should quote some logic from Sex and the City from the episode "I Love a Charade". This particular episode was about the zsa zsa zsu. The zsa zsa zsu is the feeling you get when you meet someone you really like and you get the butterflies in your stomach feeling. At the end, Carrie's voice over says, "some people are settling down, some people are settling, and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies". I gave this advice to my friend Divya about two years ago. Today, I get a text from her asking for my address. Why? Well that's because Divya is engaged to the guy she could never escape, her Mr. Big (I use this reference for obvious reasons). She listened to me and she refused to settle for anything less than the zsa zsa zsu. I told her it never lies and to always trust it. So today I thought, why preach it if I'm not going to listen to myself. I'm in no rush because I refuse to settle. I don't want the fairy tale ending without the fairy tale beginning and middle.

Am I slightly taken back by my friends' engagement/wedding ring? Yes. Do I cringe when my aunt says, "always a bridesmaid, never a bride"? Yes. Do I keep reading the Panic Years for reassurance that my reactions are normal? Absolutely! Does this make me want any of this sooner and faster? No. My friend Deepa (happily married) once said, "who said that marriage is the end all be all to happiness"? She's right. I've cried at every wedding, with the exception of Sonal's because frankly I fell asleep. *Side Note* Before you write me off as the world's worst friend, it was 3 in the morning and we were in India! During all the reception speeches, I also cried, again with the exception of Sonal's because she lived 10 minutes away. What I'm trying to say is, I'm emotional when it comes to my friends. Their happiness is my happiness. Their sadness usually consumes my every thought. I've said it before, I absolutely love my friends and so grateful for every single one of them. Trust me, I want what they have, but aside from their title of "wife", they also have love.

I'll end this post with a couple more quotes by my favorite author, you should know him by now. In Eleven Minutes, Paulo Coelho writes, "I need to love - that's all, I need to love. Life is too short, or too long, for me to allow myself the luxury of living it so badly." So I'll continue to live vicariously through my friends, until I find my own, because seeing them lets me know its worth it all. Marriage isn't the end all be all to happiness, love is happiness. Like Maria in Eleven Minutes, I know in order to find true love, I have to get the mediocre love out of my system, and I will, one day. I'm just in no rush, Maria help me conclude, "if I don't think about love, I will be nothing". So in the last month or so you've read about my moments of self realization and knowing my self worth. Today, you know that even though marriage isn't what I want, love is. Without love, I wouldn't say I'm nothing, but I'm incomplete.

Just one of them days....

...that a girl goes through. - Monica

I've mentioned it before but I'm forever an Atlanta girl (I have a set of veins on my left forearm in the form of the Atlanta Brave's A), so naturally I love Monica. Aside from the fact she's from the A, she has a great voice,and I literally grew up listening to her ever since I was in fourth grade, her music is rather nostalgic. So last year, I said I was going to make this a makeup blog, but recent events in my life and the major changes concluded me to just post about my life. I used this blog as a vehicle to get things out of my head so I'm remain sane. I don't think I have an eventful life. I do the normal things -- I put in a day's work, go to the gym, hang out with my friends, and indulge in "me" time in the form of reading, watching television, and listen to music. Like anyone I have those days where something just feels blah, and I can't put my finger on it.

It's a relatively gloomy, cloudy Sunday afternoon and I'm just thinking about going to the gym for yoga at 4:30. My best friend from high school, Katie finally joined my gym, so now I have someone to drag with me on days I need to just get out of my house and the only logical thing to do is head to the gym. Hopefully, Lois, the first friend I ever made at Buford, might also make an appearance. Power in numbers, right? 

This morning I was looking at the dress I wore for my birthday dinner last year. Its a black and purple, size 10, high empire waist, long, and flows out to flatter my midsection just perfect. This year it couldn't be more different. It's an off-white, medium, strapless, short, rouging all over, and skin tight. Don't get me wrong, I feel accomplished, I've done a lot in a year and a half that most people still have trouble grasping. I keep my before and after picture on my wall as my daily reminder and it still brings a gracious grin on my face (is that an oxymoron). However, this morning I woke up thinking about my friend Kamilah, who was going to run her first half-marathon this morning. She told me back in November she was going into training and I sincerely became somewhat envious of her "got to do it" attitude. If you've been keeping up, I have a slight addiction to the gym, but my outlook on cardio and endurance is still a love/hate relationship. I love the fact I burn all those calories in a span of 30-45 minutes but it feels like a chore, to say the least. I prefer taking the classes my gym has to offer, the elliptical, and the machines for strength conditioning. I don't really believe in resolutions, like I've mentioned before, but I do seem to set goals when my birthday approaches, during Diwali, and the traditional New Year (this helps with short-term considering they're 3-6 months apart from one another). Dare I say for this birthday, I really want to try to change my views on running. Bhagwan, played a great joke when I was born, He made sure I was born on the last day of a month so I start fresh on the first of the month with any new goal I set. Of course, that day happens to be April Fool's Day, so I can always conclude the day with a, "Haha, just kidding, I'm so funny, nice try there Hemli".

I have a feeling yoga will get me out of my funk, if nothing I now have something to think about during meditation. Tomorrow is a new day. I have a mid-week massage and facial, which I'm so glad I kept putting off because its coming at a great time. At the end of the week, I have my birthday dinner. The closer that gets, the more excited I get about being around some of my wonderful friends. That alone should be enough to help me get through my week. Today is just one of them days, don't take it personal.

We pretend to be strong....

...because we are weak. - Paulo Coelho

We all have weak moments. Those moments where you forgo that year and half diet and workout regimen for a day of vegging out to the max with every potato chip known to man kind. That moment where you want to give into your inhibitions and call or text the last guy that "broke your heart". Question is why do we do this to ourselves? We know the next time we step on the scale and see it inch closer to the right rather than the left, we'll kick ourselves for eating the oily, salted, potato wafer goodness. You'll kick yourself even harder if the guy from your past is less miserable than you. However, we all seem to put ourselves in these questionable situations.

Last night, I was guilty of the vegging out and eating every potato chip my pantry had to offer and to my dismay I gained a singular pound this morning. Granted a minor set back and its highly doubtful I won't lose it by the end of the day of detox and eating celery, carrots, hummus, and rice crisps. Am I going to blame myself if I don't fit into my birthday dress by Saturday for one day of weakness? Absolutely. Am I going to be calorie Nazi for the next seven days? Yes ma'am. Am I being really ridiculous? The answer again is yes. Am I able to justify this craziness without sounding completely superficial? Nope. I guess, it is what it is. While I feel like I have greasy skin and my cheeks are puffed out from the outrageous sodium intake, I'm still happy. Of course, I was bothered this morning, but I'm not a bad person.

The second scenario, I've been guilty of in my past. There comes a moment my hand and brain couldn't be further apart from one another. I unlock my phone, scroll to that magical name, and send that infamous, "hey what you doing", text. Once again, something I can't justify without sounding considerably crazy. This person, at one point of my life, was the reason I had a minor breakdown. Yet I seem to have a moment, where I have to wonder what he is doing. His life all of the sudden has somewhat a priority in my mind. Is he ok? What is he doing on a Saturday night at 10:30 p.m.? Why does he cross my mind, when I'm most certain until that inevitable, "message sent" pops up on my phone, he hasn't even considered a thought of me? We're all guilty of it, right? I know we are because I get that random phone call every couple of weeks from a few different handful of friends, "Hemina, I did something stupid". See, we even admit it was stupid, but that doesn't seem to stop us from doing it. Sometimes, we can blame it on the alcohol (thanks Jamie Foxx), but that doesn't change the fact we were just plain weak. My friend Deepa has a quote, "behind every strong girl is a weak one hiding from all the pain". Like Paulo Coelho says, it's actually really easy to pretend to be strong. Maybe that's because your self-dignity seems to suppress your weakness, at least in my opinion.

When is it ok to be weak though?

Memory of an elephant...

Amongst my friends, I'm often told I have the memory of an elephant. I've also been told I know the most useless information but somehow it comes in handy. When all else fails, I seem to know how to Google all the right answers to every question. I've always had an inquisitive nature, I question everything and try to dissect every answer I come across to derive the ultimate correct one. I'm usually the one that has to come up with the story for a group reception speech. I'm also the one that is texted when someone is thinking of a movie or song but can't remember the title. I have been known to Google "love" and find out why perfume is called eau du toilette. This has its advantage and disadvantage. The disadvantage is the expectations are high, and if I do happen to forget something I never live it down. The advantage of course is everyone believes me even if the memory is slightly distorted.

So why is this the subject of my post today; mainly, because I've really been thinking about the new Bradley Cooper movie, Limitless.*Invitation Alert* Who wants to go with me to go watch the movie, inquire within? The movie is essentially supposed to be about Cooper's character taking a pill, which in turn gives him the ability to use the full potential of his brain, the average human never has access to using.

How do you get your mind so balanced that you use it to its full potential? I take yoga at least twice a week and during meditation/relaxation, my mind still has trouble to come to rest and not think about anything. As the the soft notes are played in the background, I drift off into a memory or make up a magical scenario to make me calm. I always thought the whole point of meditation was to think of nothing, but how is that even remotely possible? They say to concentrate on the way you breathe, or imagine a flame and just concentrate on the way it blows in the wind. Both of these strategies pose as a problem for me. When I start to think about my breathing, I begin to think of my body as a whole and the physiology behind it, which obviously takes a lot of thought. When I think about the flame, the Hindu in me, makes me start thinking about a devo and I begin to recite the Gayatri Mantra in my head. There is clearly nothing wrong with praying as a form of meditation, but why is it so hard for a mind to come to complete rest?

Monday, during yoga's meditation period, I started thinking about the horizon of a beach. Of course, that scenario didn't bring my mind to rest either. I began to think about a book I read my junior year in high school called The Awakening. *Spoiler Alert* At the end of the book, the main character becomes one with the ocean and walks into the horizon as she meets her final awakening. This thought made me start having thoughts of death (the inevitability not suicidal). Once again the Hindu in me becomes more alert, as I start think about some verses in The Bagwhad Gita. I don't like preaching, especially when I'm still in the process of trying to understand my own religion, a twenty-five year old process. However, in the second chapter Krishna explains how we shouldn't mourn death because the soul is simply deposing of the body much like we shed our clothes everyday. I've tried really hard to grasp this thought, but telling someone not to grieve is like telling someone to make their mind rest and become free of thought. Since Monday, it seems to consume more of my thoughts. Two summers ago, I met my Guru Didi Ji and she also tried to explain it to me. I still have a hard time not having some significant people in my life, that I have lost, cross my mind. She actually told me that when I begin to think of these people, to meditate and free my mind of thoughts. As I mentioned earlier, that is already one of my problems.

I love the fact I have a great memory, but it seems to always keep me thinking about something. I can't seem to ever escape my thoughts. Also makes it really hard to let go of things I want to forget; or pretend things are ok, when I keep thinking about what went wrong. That's why I usually try to be easy going about things instead of dwell on things that are out of my control. Its still hard for the impatient Aries to become patient, moreover forget about things. This is all part of the journey to self realization, I suppose. I yield advice from my favorite Atliens, OutKast, when I say, "don't act impatiently, you'll get where you need to be, in due time".

Corn in the bags!

Yesterday, I spent some time with my sister Courtney. We had some drinks and  played cornhole. It was a great time just joking around and spending time with the hubby-to-be, hers not mine (LOL). My major epiphany of the day was that there were kernels of corn in the bags, which were then thrown in the hole....OH, CORNHOLE *light bulb*.

My birthday is right around the corner and for once, I'm not planning a single thing! Uma generously offered to plan everything and all I have to do is show up and be pretty. The only thing missing in that equation is the outfit, I'm determined to wear these brown shoes that I bought close to 2 years ago. The shoes have orange flowers and teal paisleys. These shoes need to be worn and suggestions are welcomed!

I was so amazed when Uma asked if I want her to plan for me. I realized that I've never had someone do that for me, nor have I really ever trusted anyone to do the planning. If there is one time of the year that I'm the pure definition of a brat, its my birthday. What can I say? I really love myself, and love any reason to celebrate *insert eye roll of disgust here*.

As twenty-six approaches, I find myself at the greatest health ever, happiest I've been in a while, and single. Once upon a time, I thought I needed a guy for validation, but for once I'm content just where I am. I've noticed I don't ever want to settle. Back in January, things amiably ended with, in my opinion, a rather good, decent guy. Before the night ended, he looked me square in the eyes and told me to realize my self worth and never settle because I am a great girl. Usually, I take these words in vain, especially considering the source, but even if he was lying he wasn't speaking far from the truth. I really don't give myself enough credit and that moment of self realization was a long time coming. Who would have thought, that the end of something, would in turn be the beginning of me? The last month or so I decided to finally just concentrate on myself. I haven't really been getting asked out and as I look through my phone most of my text messages seem to be from my nineteen year old cousin in New Jersey. These moments I'm by myself and given some real time to think, I start to dissect my past and make of list of little things I can improve. For example, I'm very intolerant to ignorance, which sometimes isn't really the person's fault, especially if they just haven't been educated in the particular topic. Among other things, I'm starting to realize that sometimes its easier to just change your ways, rather than try to dig deep and be nit picky about everything. So what's the difference between compromising and settling? Please comment below. 

At the beginning of this month, I was sent to New Jersey for my cousin's Sweet Sixteen. I was filled with mixed emotions about going because there had been a disconnect between myself and my family for quite some time, seven years to be exact. Of course, my parents don't suggest me go many places without some kind of ulterior motive. What could that be you ask? Well I'm about to turn twenty-six and still single, you do that math *insert your own light bulb moment here*. Instead of coming back with a love match, I came back home with a new profound relationship with my cousins. My favorite of them all of course is my niece, Diya, I just can't resist the girl. She brings the biggest smile on my face and I see my personality in her entire being, which of course I love even more, a little mini-me in the making. The eldest cousin Ravi, still being six years my junior, being the closest to me and even though he didn't even know I was his cousin, we seemed to not miss a beat. I remember when he was a kid he was a terror squad in one little body and I was actually nervous to see his growth in my absence. I'll put it out there, he did fine for himself and I'm happy in a short week or so we have gotten closer and the loyalty is understood between us both. How can I forget our princess for the weekend though? The last time I saw Anisha was seven years ago at another cousin's wedding and she was nothing less of a brat back in the day. I say that, but I can't even remember what situation made me define her as a brat, but I dismiss it since she was only nine years old. Now she's grown up and seems to be doing well for herself. Now that I've reconnected with her, I plan on checking up on her and taking her under my wing to make her into the mature, wonderful lady she should be. This week, I've pretty much been in withdrawal, and to think I only spent a little over forty-eight hours with these people. Every moment I spare a minute, I text my cousin and I'm reminded daily by Anisha how much I'm missed, which is completely reciprocated. During our time together, we all slept on the couch together and talked until the hours of the morning, watching Hindi movies. I'm pretty much missing my family more than ever right now *nostalgic moment*.

I took the time and read my horoscope last night. Usually, I don't really listen, but even in my skepticism I'm excited about what is in store for the next couple weeks as the month comes to an end. At the end of the day, I know it'll end with a bang, after all the last day of the month is my BIRTHDAY! Anyway talk to everyone soon!