Veronika Decides to Die

"It's true in her life she had seen many things through to their ultimate consequences, but only unimportant things, like prolonging a quarrel that could easily have been resolved with an apology, or not phoning a man she was in love with simply because she thought the relationship would lead nowhere. She was intransigent about the easy things, as if trying to prove to herself how strong and indifferent she was, when in fact she was just a fragile woman who had never been an outstanding student, never excelled at school sports, and had never succeeded in keeping the peach at home. She had overcome her minor defect only to be defeated by matters of fundamental importance. She had managed to appear utterly independent when she was, in fact, desperately in need of company. When she entered a room everyone would turn to look at her, but she almost always ended the night alone watching a TV that she hadn't even bothered to have properly tuned. She gave all her friends the impression that she was a woman to be envied, and she expended most of her energy in trying to behave in accordance with the image she had created herself. Because of that she had never had enough energy to be herself, a person who, like everyone else in the world, needed other people in order to be happy. She might have impressed a lot of people with her strength and determination but where had it left her? In a void, utterly alone." -Paulo Coelho: Veronika Decides to Die 

I was reading Paulo Coelho's blog and he posted about one of my favorite books Veronika Decides to Die. In the post, he gave a YouTube link for the movie portrayal of the book starring Sarah Michelle Gellar. I had read the book for the second time after I got out of the hospital. This time I spent time highlighting my favorite quotes and dissecting them further. In so many different parts of the book, I felt choked up as she went through her time in the asylum and the thoughts she went through. As I watch the movie, it's nice to see some of it come alive and more visual. It's not a complete blockbuster but the essence is there. When I first read the quote above I had to read it a few times to feel her passion. My heart was in my throat after I read the quote a few times only to realize Veronika embodies any girl with an insecurity or who has gone through a moment of doubt. It's easy to put our whole life into one quote to explain it all but sometimes you just have to live your life and start making memories to quote your own wisdom. 

"Some people go their whole lives searching for one moment like the one you had and never achieved it..." 

Tears are words that need to be written...

“None of us knows what might happen even the next minute, yet still we go forward. Because we trust. Because we have Faith.” Paulo Coelho

In the last month I've cried many tears and many of my family and friends have shed some too. My heart breaks knowing the pain and concern I have caused everyone. I'm ready to tell my story after spending two weeks in the hospital, and still working on my road to recovery at home.

It all started end of May  when I had went to the doctor for what seemed to be a kidney infection. I was given antibiotics but my body completely rejected them because I had some bacteria in my blood. I spent many days sick not even being able to go to work. June 8th, I decided to muzzle up enough energy to go to work but I should have listened to my body a little closer. As 5:30 came around I was ready to leave and struggling with a headache all the way home. Tears ran down my face from the pain and all I wanted was to be in a dark chilled room. I tried the normal remedies for headaches but nothing worked. Tears slowly poured throughout the night in hopes the pain would lift but there was no sign of relief. The pain continued for the rest of the weekend and I made another doctor appointment for Monday. After some time and agony the doctor could no long assist me and called me an ambulance to be admitted into the hospital. All I could think about was the pain and how tired I was from being dehydrated and not being able to hold anything down from the original infection. 

Entering the emergency room at Gwinnett Medical Center they started drawing blood and rolled me to have an ultrasound, CT scans, and MRIs. The news was not something I was prepared to hear. The doctor told me that I had an abscess on my kidney and it's probably where the infection originated from. Later in the evening, a neurologist came into the room to give me the news I was not prepared to hear. He told me that the MRI showed 2cm of bleeding on my right frontal lobe and swelling under the skull. At the age of 27, I had a brain hemorrhage and there wasn't any explanation for it. My heart dropped and I cried with my mother by my side. As I make calls to my brother and father, my heart breaks hearing their reaction. I've only seen my father cry twice in my life and to know I was causing him to breakdown broke my heart. My brother decided to take the first flight down to Atlanta to see me. He took care of me during the day while I was in the hospital and I realize more than ever how lucky I am to have the brother I have. He helped me eat, drink, held my hand every time they came to draw blood, and when the potassium IV was burning my arm he would try to calm me down. My body was going through so much and I spent most of my time in ICU at Gwinnett Medical Center. Everyday I was just waiting for news about improvement but because I had lost so much from being dehydrated and not eating, my body was playing catch up. 

I had many visits from close friends and family that continues to overwhelm my heart with gratitude. So  many friends were ready to give me a lecture on how much I scared everyone. I don't want any of my friends and family to ever go through this much pain ever again so I vow to take the best care of myself I possibly can. I am so happy that I'm much better. I still have some headaches because the bleeding in my brain still needs to absorb which can take a couple more months. I'm just happy to be back on my feet, have my energy back, and eating normal again. I will be returning back to work July 9th and I cannot wait to be productive again. I don't think I would have made it through all this without the support of my family and friends. My parents and brother have been my rocks through this all and I have so much to be grateful for. With all this said, I would like to thank everyone for their prayers and well wishes through this journey.

If anyone has questions please message me personally. I have left out a few details because I'm still having trouble articulating what has happened. I'm just very thankful to be alive. 

Writer's Block!

It's been so long since I posted. In that time Courtney and Aarti got married. Both weddings were gorgeous and I had a wonderful time. Scroll down to see Aarti's video collage.

I have somewhat a writer's block right now. Writer's block means only one thing, I have much more on my mind then usual. For every union, I have seen a break up in the last month. Somehow, I seem to be the voice of reason or the advice guru in these situations. I'm always willing to lend an ear, shoulder to cry on, and pull out some Coelho quote to digress from the usual cliche. However, what makes someone think I'm so stable to take advice from me? I've been single for almost a year and after coming back from England it's been more acknowledged that single is a good look on me. I do miss companionship but I'm not going to sell myself short just to have it. I told my friend Vani, I forgot what it meant to have a simple kiss, it's been so long. Just because I'm content and have a smile on my face does not mean I have any earthly clue what I'm talking about. My knowledge comes from experience and some personal moments of self-awareness. At the beginning of this year, I wrote a post called R.I.P. to the girl you used to see and I wrote:

Lesson 5 -- never seek advice from those who don't have their act together. I refer to my favorite author, Paulo Coelho, "(Don’t) listen to the malicious comments of those friends who, never taking any risks themselves, can only see other people’s failures."

I still stand by what I say. Kanye said it best, "How could a goddess ask, someone that's only average?" With matters of the heart, advice should always be taken with a grain of salt.

While I was in England my aunt told me that she proposed to Uncle Jers. He just looked at me and said "you Patel women have balls *insert silence for timing* and temper". I laughed for a moment but it occurred to me that same blood runs through my veins and I'm no different. While it might not be the Patel blood that runs through my veins, the bloodline he was referring to was my dada, Soma Kanji himself. He made us a strong bunch, he was a man with a stern tongue and an equally compassionate heart. Having those two qualities has kept the Soma Kanji Patel women bold with fire in their heart. That boldness and fire exudes confidence and also has instilled independence. Referencing the post previously mentioned, I live by lesson one: never be afraid to open up to someone. There is only a handful of people I have sat in awkward silence rather then expressed my thoughts, but decorum is important in some cases.

For the last three years, I've been reading the book "The Art of Seduction".  Before you write me off as a slow reader, understand the book is written much like a textbook. It starts out giving you the definitions of the ten different types of seducers and from the definitions you have to decipher which one applies to you. Then the book goes on to talk about the different victims of the seducers. The part that gets me is the "victim" part. Such a derogatory word to explain how someone can captivate another by a mere glance. Finally, the last part of the book is the seductive process which is twenty-four different steps to follow broken up in four different phases. So why has it taken me three plus years to read this book (still an ongoing process)? Simply put, I get disgusted by the tactics it throws at me. If you can explain a woman and the way she is in ten definitions then you've already lost half the battle. I thought about all my friends and neither of us are the same. We have some similar interests and maybe some qualities but we all have something that cannot be defined. I'm not trying to be a realist but seriously build a bridge and get over it. There is no art of seduction, you aren't going to wake up one morning and become a coquette because a book told you how to be . Furthermore, you're not going to figure out a guy over a 250+ page book because you put some generic stereotypes on him. If it was that easy, life would have came with a manual. I'll be the first to acknowledge the fact that I read my horoscope and refer to situations as "the Aries in me", however it's not going determine how I live my life. I read Zodiac Facts on Twitter and have the occasional chuckle when I think to myself, "yup, that's totally me" and retweet my confirmation. Sometimes I still think it's all crazy. I'm not going to deny a person because he's a Capricorn. How is that even a valid reason? There is no self-help book, 12-step program, or astrology chart that is going to confirm whether you should be with someone or not. The lesson in this would be to just trust your instinct.

I really do believe in the whole take the time to be single. It's ok to date just to date. You don't need validation from anyone and just know that all the rules go out of the window. There is no such thing as three day rules. There is no need to play the waiting game of who is going to text who first. If a guy refers to you as crazy or aggressive over something so silly as a "Hey, how are you?" text leave it to the fact you had a date and that was that. Not every date has to conclude in some long winded relationship that stretches out for a year only to come to realization that the two of you were never compatible and everything was based on that first date. Courtney says it all the time, "I married my best friend". More than ever, I'm going to heed her advice and know that my next relationship needs to have a foundation that I've never really established in the past, a friendship.

So what makes me so great at giving advice? My book is written by the success stories I'm surrounded by daily. I see the ins and outs of them and I grow to appreciate their situations knowing mine should only be comparable. I was telling Kamilah today that my expectations aren't high they just need to be equivalent to what I already have. So my number one rule still stands -- NEVER DOWNGRADE!

The world can seem so vast....

...on this journey to the past. Let this road be mine, let it lead me to my past....to bring me home. (Aaliyah's Journey to the Past from the movie soundtrack Anastasia)

It’s been so long since I’ve posted. Since my last post I’ve been to New Orleans for Courtney’s bachelorette, became ill, and then jet set to England to visit my family.

As Courtney’s wedding begins to creep up on us, I find myself reminiscing more about New Orleans. The city is beautiful in its own little way. I found myself imagining the fact that Hurricane Katrina was no more than about six years ago. I was amazed how much had been rebuilt in such a short time. It was similar to the time I visited Hiroshima, I stood in awe and it brought tears to my eyes to think about how innocent civilians had to experience the devastation. The weekend was wonderful and I’m so glad I got to spend time with so many wonderful girls. The thought of that weekend just makes me more excited that the wedding is so close. This afternoon I wrote my speech/toast and I, of course, choked up just at the mere thought of how far my friendship with Courtney has come. Aside from that, if it wasn’t for Courtney, I wouldn’t have met so many wonderful people such as Mama McBee, Tara, Bobby, Kristen, Sonya, and Samantha. I could rave for hours about every single one of them, even Bobby…LOL. Like I’ve said before I’m so lucky to have a person like Courtney in my life. Needless to say, New Orleans will always be dear to my heart and will always make me think of my dear sister.

Moving on, shortly after New Orleans I became ill, again. I just became weak and fatigued. Come to find out, my anemia was acting up and physically wearing me out. After I was finally somewhat fit, I decided to go to England with my mom. My grandmother was going to have a knee replacement and my mom wanted to go take care of her. At first, she was only going to go by herself but after some convincing from my aunt, my decision was easier to make.

This trip to England was not like my previous visit, almost twelve years ago. This time I seemed to have left my heart at my grandmother’s house. The first thing I see when I get in the living room is a picture of my grandfather with a garland. He passed away ten years, just two days after my sixteenth birthday. My Dada spoiled me so much and he adored me. He used to tell me that if I would massage his head and walk on his back, he would buy me the thickest gold necklace money could buy. I blame him for my obsession with precious jewelry. I have so many memories in that house, so it is hard not to be nostalgic just walking through the doorway.  I was telling my grandmother about how she scarred me for life, when she used to corner me to give me medicine. I found irony in the fact, twenty-three years have passed and I was now the one forcing her to take her medicine. I enjoyed spending time with my aunts and uncles. The first two weeks, I spent in Slough with my Nayna Masi and Uncle Jers. I was excited to spend time with my new baby cousin Esme, who decided to finally make her appearance after eight years. Her mannerisms are very comparable to mine when I was younger. It was nice to sleep in late and get spoiled by my aunt and uncle. I can't remember the last time I genuinely didn't have to lift a finger to do anything. Of course, my aunt did that knowing the work that was in store for me when I returned to Manchester. 

It seemed like I was going non-stop when I returned to my grandmother's house in Ashton. My mom and I spent a lot of time cooking and catering to guest that would come to visit my grandmother. When I finally had some time to relax, I would walk around the town to visit my old neighbors and get a feel for my birthplace again. So much had changed, but it still felt like home. Almost everyone still lived in the same house they did back in 1989. I was spoiled by all my neighbors; they all cooked for me, bought me sweets, and showered me with presents. My mom's best friend and her husband took us under their wings and aided us in every way possible during our time there. There is something about the closeness in the neighborhood that is so endearing, I find myself missing that the most. A couple of days before I was going to leave my aunt from Dubai came to take over the caretaker duties. I hadn't seen my Daxa Masi since I left England when I was four. Along with my aunt, I met all five of my cousins for the first time and my Uncle Nasser. The kids are so well behaved and well-mannered. I grew attached to them in the short time I had to spend with them. I miss the girls the most. Ayesha is beautiful and bright and Amina is so sweet and the spitting image of her mother. The eldest of the five, Sofiyan, was the most impressive. He reminds me a lot of my uncle and brother. I've noticed babies seem to flock to the three of them and are easily pacified in their arms; they'll all make wonderful fathers one day. I was happy to spend time with my uncle this time. He's only six years my senior, so we do have somewhat of a connect, since the generation gap seems minuscule. I think it was different this time for the both of us. I was able to articulate my thoughts and feelings, which was reciprocated and discussed with a little bit more attention. I guess it's easier to take me seriously, since I'm 26 years old versus 14 years old.

I never realized how much I needed my extended family until this trip. There are days I can't vocalize how I feel and I wish I had someone there to help me organize my thoughts. Some things are too family oriented for me to share with even my closest friends. It's a holiday like this that makes me wish there wasn't 4000 miles between us. I remember, vaguely, I was very depressed when I moved to America back in 1989. Even thinking about it now I tear up. From the day I was born to when I was four, I never went more than 48 hours without seeing at least one of the seven members in my extended family (with exception of my holiday to India when I was one and a half). They took care of me, picked me up from nursery, fed me, played with me, basically spoiled me rotten. Thinking back to those times makes me question what it means to have a home. They say home is where the heart, and I'm not so sure it ever left England. I know my time there was limited but I had everything I needed in all of about a 5 mile radius. More importantly I had my family, whom I miss more then ever. I might need to borrow Dorthy's ruby pumps and click my heels. There's no place like home.

Let me upgrade ya....

I have one rule after a break up/parting....UPGRADE!

Not a single ending doesn't end with me saying, "you better upgrade". I do not, by any means, think that I'm the end all be all for any guy. Therefore, I think it's only appropriate for him to upgrade. I think he should prove me wrong, that he can do better. Maybe not in all aspects, but the two that rise to the top is personality and physically. Granted, someone being physically attractive is a matter of opinion, but it's not beyond me to think a girl is prettier than me. I have no shame in admitting it, and I think every girl is pretty in some way or another. How many of you have said, "how the did he go from 'her' to 'that girl'?". I find it actually an insult for someone I was with to go to someone less attractive. I digress, looks aren't everything.

However, if the new girl's personality is sub-par to mine I have an issue. Every guy I've talked to, I ask that infamous question, "what do you look for in a girl?". Most of the time, the response is an amazing personality. So I have to wonder when I see the next girl and her personality is not even close to what mine is. What even constitutes as an amazing personality?

I understand I have no right to even make such a request, being the ex. Even if she is the "transition girlfriend" aka rebound you should at least make sure she is an improvement in looks for the sake of your own dignity. No guy wants to be known as the guy that couldn't do any better than who he used to be with. I might hate it, but all I'm saying is make me jealous. Make me wish I had cared to put up a fight, furthermore, wish I was still with you. That's all I'm saying.

I was wondering maybe....

My MP3 player died, and since I can't really get any work done without music I had to resort to the few songs I have on my miniSD on my phone to hold me over. The song "Unthinkable" by Alicia Keys started playing. It has occurred to me, I forgot how it feels to have butterflies. How does it feel when it's meant to be? Do I deserve it? If you ask me, I'm definitely not ready. When I went to go see the musical, Mrs. Staples told me she read my blog and she told me it's ok that I'm not in a rush. A friend of mine recently told me I've never been one of those girls that's needed a man to get by, I agree. Usually I have it all figured out, but something seems off lately. I'm unusually distracted, most of it is the excitement of the bachelorette, but some of it is a somber overcast. It'll wash away with a good run and a good night's rest. I'll file this day away as just one of them days.

On a lighter note, I'm so excited about NOLA this weekend and the shirts made it more of a reality. They turned out amazing!

Who is having the best week ever?

First I have to say my heart cried this week. The Hindu, actually the spiritual, community lost a remarkable person. Rest in peace Satya Sai Baba. No one will ever forget your teachings and the impact you made.

So who is having the best week ever?

Kate Middleton? Staying true to my roots and claiming myself as a Lancashire Red Rose, I woke up at 5 a.m. to watch the Royal Wedding with a sense of real pride. It's already been said, she was gorgeous, fairy tale wedding, etc etc etc. I asked my mom about Princess Diana's wedding and she said that it was just as show stopper. She and dad had the day off from work in observance of the wedding. My brother was only a year old and I wasn't born yet. I'm sure it was just as beautiful.

President Obama? Yes, finally Osama Bin Laden has been killed. I will say Former President George W. Bush deserves a lot of the credit. I'm going to stop right there.

Lois? Lois was the first girl I met in Buford back in fourth grade. Why would she be having the best week ever? Oh no reason, she just got proposed to at the Gwinnett Braves game this past Saturday. I'm so happy for her. I'm so glad I was there to see it. I was sitting a few sections away from her, but when I looked over Ryan was on one knee proposing. It was so sweet, and the ring is gorgeous.

Me? I got see my favorite girls this past week. First, Whitney stopped in Atlanta on her drive home from Miami. Me, Whitney, Kamilah, Drinks, Vortex, Little 5 Points, Fogo de Chao, need I say more? Reckless, as usual. Then an unexpected surprise, due to a delay in New York, Lisa and Arti were stuck in Atlanta for the night and I got to see them for dinner. Saturday, I got to spend time with Katie Boles, my wonderful sister, and Mama McBee for the Gwinnett Braves game. Also, aside from the fact I'm probably going to be worthless this week, this time Friday I will be in New Orleans. I just got the artwork for the tanks that were ordered for Courtney's bachelorette. I have to say they look amazing and my new T-shirt place is Cotton Eyed Joe's. As if the idea of it being a bachelorette wasn't exciting enough, it also happens to be JazzFest. I'm so excited! Did I mention out of twelve ladies, I'm the only that will be single? Also, this is my first time ever in New Orleans. So with all that said clearly, I'm having the best week ever!